Top Five Reasons Ben Carson is the Best

By Joe Sober 11/08/15

Joe Sober endorses Ben Carson as his super sober choice for President.


I just got out of my six-and-a-half day Big Book study group retreat. I feel wicked spiritual right now and had a real Great Spirit moment when the wind told me that Dr. Ben Carson is the most sober candidate for PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD!!! Gotta share with my bros and sis… ssesssess… Give me a beat!


I mean, look at the dude! That, my friends, is serenity! He’s making words with his mouth but they all come out like a velvet cat purring. I have no idea what he’s saying but it SOUNDS like he’s super calm about it and that’s cool. He personifies serene! If the definition of serene is crazy calm and like being on heroin or something but NOT because he wouldn’t REALLY be serene if he were, then he would be the living embodiment of serene. Therefore, the personification! BAM!

He surrendered to God and it took care of his crazy stabbing people in their belt buckle days! 

He's like the old timer that died in the middle of his qualification but nobody noticed because we all thought that he was just being super graceful and humble when in fact he had slipped quietly into the Heavenly Fathers' arms right before out very eyes. Dr Ben Carson is just like that guy only he's not dead but could be sorta lifeless in that when he speaks nothing seems to actually come out of his mouth—and I often start thinking about what I'm gonna have for dinner while he's talking—and for all I know he could of just said something crazy, but he said it in such a hypnotic way that I'm always relieved to find out he's still there on the TV when I wake up.

2. GOD!

My man Ben Carson has some serious conscious contact with GOD! God told him to be President! He likes to give mad props to the Creator always. Always shooting down the haters by using the old "can’t prove that I’m wrong" thing that shuts them DOWN every time. Of course, the world was created in six days (and God napped on the seventh) and two white people were put on Earth to eat an apple and stuff. The rib and all that! Prove me wrong! That’s right hater, you “can’t tell me where anything came from!” Bam-alamma-ding-dong! God is speaking through Dr. Ben Carson. God recently said through him, “Many of them are stupid,” (meaning Americans) and “We’d be in Cuba if there was no Fox News,” because the “Good Lord” gave him that tool!

He does all that I do AND he’s in a religion that thinks not drinking has something to do with GOD! He prays in the morning; he prays in the evening; he prays in the afternoon; the man is praying and not drinking, that’s the guy we want in the big house! God speaks to him through the Bible like He does to me in the Big Book, which is why they call it the Big Book because it’s EXACTLY LIKE THE BIBLE MANGOMUTHA!


This guy is so AA he literally went into people’s brains and literally fixed their thinking literally! 



Doc, I’m here for my stinkin’ thinkin’. 

Dr. Ben Carson

Well, let me have a look at you.


You can look at me doc but you’ll see that I don’t drink anymore. 

Dr. Ben Carson

Oh, I can see that. You have the Creator’s power beaming through your eyes.


Thank you. I see His power in your eyes also, dude. Thank you for seeing that, Dr. Ben Carson.


You’re welcome Joe, but because I have a closer personal relationship with God I can also see that your insides are sick...especially your thinking. 


See, that’s what I’m saying, Doctor.


Good. Now let’s operate.


Ok, but no drugs for me, Dr. Ben Carson. If you give me something for the pain, I’ll end up in jail or dead. Maybe not tomorrow but probably in like a couple of years and I can’t take that chance. I’m sober. I’ll take the pain of having you poke around in my brain over the possibility of my sponsor telling me to go back into a day count anytime.


You’re a remarkable man, JOE. If God hadn’t taken away my defective envy feeling, I would have that for you.


Enough words, Dr. Ben Carson. Let’s roll.


And Shazascene!!! He’s in there fixin’ my thinking! He prays before AND after the surgery. He’s like the best sponsor ever. He was also into plastic surgery and child care so he’s super humble and nice to children (except the gay ones).


We all know it’s all about fear, and Dr. Ben Carson and me are afraid of the SAME THINGS! Dr. Ben Carson is not only a doctor and a believer that he’s doing God’s will but he’s also black. Which I think is friggin’ chill because there’s, like, one black guy at my meeting and although me and my brahs like to keep an eye on him while we pass the basket, he’s just like us in that he goes to meetings, doesn’t drink and talks about God all the time. Ok, in the interest of “rigorous honesty,” I’m not sure if Scott talks about God at all but he must cause that’s all we talk about, but I don’t really listen cause Shelly gets nervous when he speaks so I’m concentrating on giving Scott my "I’M READY TO THROW DOWN AT ANY MINUTE" look (and it’s hard to commit to that look and listen at the same time) so shut up! Obama is not even REALLY black but my boy Ben is and that’s awesome because he’s like Herman Cain and Alan Keyes before him in that he doesn’t scare me! Even fresher is that my homeboy, Dr. Ben Carson, is afraid of other minorities that scare me!


Ben Carson is qualifying all the time! He can qualify with the best of them! He surrendered to God and it took care of his crazy stabbing people in their belt buckle days! Sure, sometimes the story changes and it’s a “camping knife” or sometimes, as in the movie Gifted Hands, it’s a large hunting knife but that’s the media’s fault! Sometimes he was angry because he didn’t like the radio station his friend was playing and sometimes it’s just that a guy was “ridiculing me” but that’s what happens in a blackout. A rage blackout, a drunk blackout, a made up story to give him some street cred whatever you wanna call it—I call it a qualification because it’s that story that led my man Dr. Ben Carson to GOD!!!! That’s what an AA qualification is my sober palarinoos. Doing some crazy stuff then finding GOD. He found God at 14 and he’s been talking to Him ever since. He also threw rocks and waved baseball bats around which is something I still do despite being sober, but that just goes to show that Dr. Ben Carson is way more sober than me and should be king!

You’re welcome!

Please read our comment policy. - The Fix