The Sounds of Silence

By Jacqui Brown 01/19/17

when I put a voice / to my daughter's addiction / let the truth slip out / your silence became a sonic boom / heard 'round the world

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Jacqui Brown

My silence may not seem so obvious

because I keep my pain in a box

all wrapped up in plain brown paper

stashed neatly away because it may make you uncomfortable

 

You see my silence as just a break from real life

you are right and oh so wrong

it is damage control

i try not to share my pain

because inside of it

there is still hope

and sometimes

hope is the only ace in the hole I have

 

Silence is what I do 

when the grief rises

and tries to close me down

 

I keep quiet

only so I can hear the story of my heart

as it tries to reason

as it tries to bargain

as it tries to strike a deal

when it feels like bleeding out

when it feels like there are too many cracks in it

when it feels like it will always be little shards

held together by the hope I still hold on to

 

When I told you I was ill

you brought food to my door

cards arrived in the mail

messages were sent

phone calls were made

flowers were sent

you reached out

you held me up

you lifted my spirit

your gift of love

became a life raft

 

when I put a voice

to my daughter's addiction

let the truth slip out

your silence became a sonic boom

heard 'round the world

it was fucking deafening

 

There was no tasty food

no card

no phone call

no message

no flowers

 

No nothing

 

That silence was even louder than my own

it made the earth shake and shudder

and it became the line drawn in the sand

where no crossing to the other side could happen

 

You could never know how that silence

took me to my knees

adding another fissure in my heart of hearts

yet, 

I recognize that it is only fear 

that separates us now

possibly forever

and still…

I forgive you

because the one thing that remains true in my life

is love

and love always wins

 

There is no food

to soothe a soul

too saturated

by the darkness

on the other side of the light you know me for

 

You may judge me if you need to

if it makes you feel better

but always know that I pray for you

that you should never know this disease

that you should never feel its pain

that you should never look at your child

and wonder…

will I see you tomorrow

or will it be "that" day

when the silence becomes forever

that you will never hear their voice again

or see them smile

or touch their hand while it is still warm and full of life

yes, I pray and pray and pray

that you or your children 

remain safe from addiction's harm

 

I would never judge you

never…

because I know too well the feeling of being altered

by another’s action 

I know it with every breath

with every tick of the clock

with every season that passes

as I wait silently for the cure to take hold

and release her/us from all that waiting

 

I pray that your children flourish

and life holds them up

and yes 

I will bake a lasagne for you anytime

if you need it

no matter what

to show you that my love is more than knee deep

 

I pray you never know the depth of my silence

I pray your heart never bleeds

I pray your children never stray

that they are never seduced by this predator called addiction

yes, I pray and I pray and I pray and I pray

that your life is forever filled with joy

and that you never know this fear

that becomes embedded like a sliver 

that has gone too deep to be retrieved

 

I will always love you

no matter what!

 

Jacqui Brown is the author or more than 20 Self-Help, Humor, and Fiction books. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two children, and two pups!

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Jacqui Brown.jpg

Jacqui Brown is the author or more than 20 Self-Help, Humor, and Fiction books. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two children, and two pups! Follow Jacqui on Twitter.

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