Recovering Heroin Addict Keeps Video Journal In YouTube Series

By Victoria Kim 12/01/15

Bonnie Dix filmed a nine-part video series detailing her struggle with heroin addiction.

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It’s not easy to be vulnerable, especially as an addict. But Bonnie Dix of upstate New York did just that, and more. She kept a video journal for a local Fox affiliate, revealing the ups and downs of her recovery journey.

The nine-part video series, which can be viewed on YouTube, is a roller coaster of emotions. It’s an inside look into the life of a recovering heroin addict. Bonnie talks about her self-esteem issues, finding faith in God, and becoming an active member of her community.

Bonnie’s community service is a big part of her life in recovery—it’s what she’s doing different this time around, she says. She talks about working to “open myself to being part of my community” and finding herself a good support system. “People tend to isolate when there’s nothing to do. They just sit in their house,” she tells the camera. “That’s such a bad place to be in, in recovery, is isolation.”

The struggles Bonnie is faced with reveals a common experience for those in recovery. She describes the frustration of waiting to get into a halfway house. “They said ‘soon,’ but their ‘soon’ has been weeks upon weeks upon weeks,” she says. She describes the voice inside her head telling her she’s not enough, “To learn how to love myself from the inside out has been difficult for me. I’m getting there. It’s a process. Some days are better than others.”

She describes the pain of losing people to addiction, and heroin addict behavior, like watching her friend relapse after seven months clean. “It’s sad to think of someone that you love so much struggling with such an amazingly hard thing,” she says. “Part of me even feels guilty for doing so good.”

Bonnie finds herself in a position of helplessness as she suspects another friend is using but lying about it. “That’s a part of this process that kind of sucks. You can’t save everybody,” she says. “As much as I want to, I can’t. I can only pray and be here when she needs me.”

She has some days when she’s feeling down: “I don’t know what’s going on with me.” And some days when she’s excited about life: “It’s times like these that I’m excited to get up tomorrow and see what’s gonna happen,” she says. “I’ve never been excited about the next day. Part of me even wished I didn’t wake up half the time. But to have that drive and that desire to keep going and to be excited about the journey ahead is indescribable, it really is."

Bonnie maintains throughout her video series that she remains grateful for her life and her support system. She’s still trying to figure herself out, she says, but she has a new outlook on life and is making the most of the fellowship in her recovery community. “To be able to experience all that stuff clean is better than any drug I’ve ever done in my life,” she says. “True fun with true friends is an amazing feeling.”

And she’s using her newfound faith in God as the foundation for her recovery. “God has a plan for me. There’s a plan in my life and I have a purpose. To believe in that again—I mean, for the first time, not even again—but just to have that and to realize that life is good, you know. It’s amazing.”

Watch Bonnie's full nine-part series below:

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Victoria is interested in anything that has to do with how mind-altering substances impact society. Find Victoria on LinkedIn or Tumblr