The Last Addictions Memoir (Hopefully): An Evidence-Based Recovery Story Pt. 3

The Last Addictions Memoir (Hopefully): An Evidence-Based Recovery Story Pt. 3

By Anne Giles 04/07/17

A personal recovery story in the context of the latest data on what addiction is and what effectively treats it.

Image: 
A cat running from behind a vase of flowers.

A note from the author:

The Last Addictions Memoir (Hopefully) begins with its end, "3 Handouts I Wish I Had Been Given My First 3 Days in Recovery from Addiction. "Then I'm sharing excerpts from my addictions recovery story with readers of The Fix each Friday, and the full memoir on my blog, annegiles.com

3 Handouts I Wish I Had Been Given on My First 3 Days of Recovery from Addiction - Handout 3
(Read Handout 1 here and Handout 2 here.)

"…but seven years is long enough and all of us

deserve a visit now and then

to the house where we were born

before everything got written so far wrong"

- Peter Meinke, "Liquid Paper"

"The most natural way for human beings to calm themselves when they are upset is by clinging to another person."

- Bessel van Der Kolk, M.D., The Body Keeps the Score

"It's my life. Don't you forget."

- Talk, Talk  

1. Attach to yourself. Discover the curl within you of your truest self, "before everything got written so far wrong." Gently begin to view yourself as someone with whom the vulnerable essence of you can feel safe. Many people with addiction have experienced abuse and neglect from caregivers and have attachment challenges. What shouldn't have happened did, and what should have happened didn't. They may feel undeserving and unqualified to care for themselves. They may believe they can't be entrusted with themselves and fear the piece-of-shit messages they've heard all their lives might be true. Given what many people have been through, having these beliefs is sadly understandable. Still. Kindly and protectively begin to identify yourself more by who you are, and less and less by what you've done or what has happened to you.

2. Take care of yourself. Try to imagine finding the truth of who you are showing up as a foster child on your doorstep right now. What do you need?! What do you want?! Remember the best of what you've learned, experienced and observed. Start with basic needs. Do you need to be invited in or given some time to adjust? Do you need something to eat, a nap, something interesting to do, a hug? Experiment and see what seems to work. What a huge responsibility! But what a relief! Finally, finally, after all that's gone down, you can have your own consistent, kind, reliable, present, attentive caregiver who knows you better than anyone else on the planet and who wants the best for you, no matter what. And you don't have to be a perfect self-caregiver. Good enough will do. Addiction - like life - is a 24-7 condition and others aren't always available. But you can be there for yourself. Whenever you need or want to, you can cling to your own good-enough self.

3. Seek out supportive others. Social connection can assist with abstinence. Stress and distress are part of human relationships, but the benefits of de-stressing need to outweigh the costs of stressing. No gathering with others will leave you stress-free. The goal is to find people with whom - enough of the time - you can feel good enough and safe enough to feel stable.

4. Try a variety of places and situations in which people gather in groups without the use of problematic substances. Consider asking someone you trust to accompany you. Become aware of how you feel afterwards. If you feel neutral or better, you might return. If you feel worse, try another group, or, perhaps, try it a few more times and see. Keep visiting groups of any kind, whether recovery support groups, community groups, or hobby groups, until you find places that feel safe, supportive and helpful. If you don't find established groups that are a fit for you, try to find individuals with whom you can meet one-on-one or in small, informal groups.

5. To further develop stability, establish priorities, schedules, routines and budgets. Figure out what you can do at the same time each day that's helpful and do those things. Become aware of foods that fuel you and create a menu for yourself featuring those foods. Note which physical activities support your overall energy level throughout the day and do those. Figure out how much it costs to be you and find ways to supplement what's missing and to modify spending for shortfalls. Discover the uniqueness that is you and set yourself up individually to thrive as only you would know, understand and be able to do.

6. Use "enough" vs. "all" as a standard. While you may want to examine your values, principles and beliefs more closely and decide what might work best for you individually going forward, for now, strive to get enough of your needs met enough of the time, to feel pretty good enough of the time, and to be with people with whom you usually feel safely supported. Since no one can deliver "all," expecting all one's needs to be met all of the time will result in disappointment which is stressful and destabilizing. 

7. Stigma is real. Give yourself private time to take care of yourself and to feel better before you consider whether or not to share your condition with others. Keep your circle of confidantes thoughtfully selected and discuss your motivations and the pros and cons of self-disclosure with trusted others when you feel or think you might want to share your situation with others.

8. You are a unique individual with an individual case of addiction. What helps you with your particular case will be unique to you. You are the expert on that and, ultimately, you are the decider. As you should be. Even if you have the regrettable condition of addiction, it's still your life, your one precious life. 

Check back next Friday for the next installment.

The opinions expressed here are mine alone and do not necessarily reflect the positions of my employers, co-workers, family members or friends.  This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical or professional advice. Consult a qualified health care professional for personalized medical and professional advice.

Anne Giles, M.A., M.S., is a counselor, writer and business owner. She writes about addictions treatment, recovery and policy at annegiles.com. As of this writing, she has been abstinent from alcohol since December 28, 2012, and is in remission from alcohol use disorder.

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Anne Giles, M.A., M.S., is a counselor, writer and business owner. As of this writing, she has been abstinent from alcohol since December 28, 2012, and is in remission from alcohol use disorder. You can find Anne on Linkedin and Twitter.

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