Colton Haynes Reveals Mental Health Triumph In Published Diary Entries

By McCarton Ackerman 12/22/16

“I can’t and wouldn’t want to go back to that headspace ever again. So clouded and unsure about myself, my life, my privacy, my mental health."

Actor Colton Haynes
Photo via ET/YouTube

Colton Haynes has released a few personal diary entries discussing his mental health struggles and how he’s finally winning the battle with them.

The Teen Wolf and Arrow star published the personal entries in Paper magazine, in which he admitted to putting work over his well-being at the height of his fame. But more than a year after stepping away from the public eye to address his debilitating anxiety and to work on himself, Haynes says he’s now stronger than ever before.

“What I’m finally realizing is that I can’t and wouldn’t want to go back to that headspace ever again. So clouded and unsure about myself, my life, my privacy, my mental health. I’m finally in a position where I can say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,” he wrote. “I’ve accomplished so much with so little and my smile is finally not forced. I’ve taken control of my own life for the first time and won’t ever let anyone silence me or my passions ever again. I’m finally free. I’m successful. I’m independent ... But most of all…I’m outspoken.”

In an entry dated November 2014, he talks about his anxiety. He admitted to isolating himself from loved ones and abusing both alcohol and prescription medication. His anxiety also led to developing an ulcer by age 27, which was exacerbated by tabloid headlines regarding his sexuality. Haynes eventually came out as gay in May.

“To the public eye, my possibilities are endless but in my mind…I’m fading away and battling to hide the pain and emotion that has plagued me my entire life,” he wrote at the time. “I’ve cheated, lied, & finally owned up to it. I actually accomplished something that could have me set for life. I have money but I am lonely…this is my fault though. I don’t want to let anyone in.”

The actor eventually checked into rehab for “terminal anxiety,” and made getting well his top priority. He’s now working again and set to star alongside Scarlett Johansson in the upcoming comedy film Rock That Body, which is set for release next June. But Haynes is planning to continue his approach of putting his health first, and encouraged others to do to the same.

“Don’t be afraid to seek help,” he wrote on Nov. 12, 2016. “There are so many people out there who put their jobs first and their mental health last…and trust me…it will creep up on you.”

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McCarton Ackerman is a freelance writer and editor living in Portland, Oregon. He has been a contributor for The Fix since October 2011, writing on a wide range of topics ranging from medical marijuana in Colorado to the world's sexiest drug smugglers. Follow him on Linkedin and Twitter.