Why I’m More Sober than You!
In fact I am so very sober and humble it is absurd.
My Ma once told me that she almost named me Bill so right out of the gate, I’m more sober than you. I have a buddy named Bobby which is long for Bob and if he was a Doctor he’d be … you guessed it … Dr. Bob! Boom!
I got sober when I was seven. I’m 34 now so you do the math. When I was five I drank a fifth of Peppermint Schnapps and I drove my Big wheel into a playground. I ran it right into a group of three year olds that ended up needing copious amounts of hydrogen peroxide in order to recover from their various scrapes and bruises. I blame myself for the scars I gave their psyche. Every time I go to the old neighborhood and I bump into someone that may or may not have been in the park that day, I spread the message. I’ll get right in their face, look them in the eye and say “Think!!!” Only I say it in a very upside down way. How’s that for sober mother lickers?
I tried to cultivate my share just for him. I talked for 45 minutes about humility. It was great.
Notice how I don’t cuss? You see how I said licker instead of fucker? That’s all because I’m sober. Instead of shit I say fingernail. Instead of cocksucker I say tango and cash. Instead of bitch I say Coulter. You still feel sober? I didn’t think so!
When it comes to God, well, he’s gotta be sober. First of all he’s like a million years old. There is no way he could be that old if he drank booze or smoked crack or did heroin or any of that stuff. He would have OD’d and then what? Sometimes I think I might even be more sober than Him what with all his resentments and stuff. I may not like the way someone got their haircut but I’m not gonna start a freaking earthquake over it! Yeah, I could probably teach Him a few things.
I had both my kneecaps removed and the surgeon wanted to give me “general anesthesia." I was like “Go push your stuff on the poor and uneducated mother licker! I ain’t falling for that old trick!” He was all like “It’s for the pain.” And I was right back at him with a really clever comment about Pablo Escobar that I can’t remember right now but I assure you it was a doozy! Every time the pain got overwhelming I would pass out only to wake up again screaming. I cried a lot and called the nurses Coulters all the time. The pain got so bad that I would take my pocket knife out and start stabbing my face in order to try and redirect it. The Doctor finally came in and told me I was killing myself. I was like “Better dead then high!!!” Then they held me down and gave me a sedative. I started counting days again as soon as the stuff was out of my system. It was humiliating. My home group told me not to worry about it. Oh I am going worry about it! I’m going to worry my head straight! It may be day 76 since I have had the knees replaced but I’m still more sober than you! Deal with it, tango and cash!
The steps are awesomely intense. I think about them every day, all day. Sometimes I think about them so much I won’t move my body for a couple of days. Some clean coulter said I was “paralyzed” with fear. I thought about what that meant and then I thought that I was exercising my brain instead and then I thought about what my gut said and then I thought about how good I look. Once again my sobriety kicks your rosebush! That’s what my higher power told me to tell you. He talks to me all the time, giving me signs about what to do and stuff. Just last week I was thinking about getting a sandwich but then I thought that maybe I shouldn’t and then, OUT OF NOWHERE, a guy in a t-shirt walked by. The T-shirt said “just do it”, so I did!
I have done step four 26 times. One time I did step five while a priest molested me and then I had to go back and do step four all over again. I make all my sponsees do step four right in front of me so they can go right into step five. Plus, I really like seeing them squirm and cry and stuff. It makes me really grateful to see other folks in so much pain. I am thankful for the fact that I get to be a sort of therapist to a total stranger. I’d be a good therapist. Real old school and no B.S. If I feel they are not being honest I punch them in the face. It’s what my sponsor did for me and, hey, I am way more sober than he ever was. I have a glass jaw now. Thanks, Greg!
Of course my favorite step (most hotshot dudes like moi love this step), is Step 13. Babes in a day count need a guy like me to keep them company so they won’t go out. I keep them company alright, I keep them company all night long! Just ask my sober bros at the gym I go to. We talk about how step 13 is keeping us all sober. Sometimes, when I’m spotting one of my bro hans I’ll find out that we both 13 stepped the same Asian chick! If that makes us angry we just turn it over and most of the time can have a good laugh about it in the showers.
Unlike most of you, I am a meeting lover. It’s in those rooms that I really get to strut my stuff. Plus, I get to be the chairman (that’s AA speak for boss) of the 4:30 am meeting every Wednesday. All these sick, sad people get to look at me and think “Wow. This really works. I want what that guy has!!!” I can feel all their eyes on me while I give it away. Turns out, I’m a really good boss. While in the “normal” world I can’t even get an internship, in the rooms I get paid $500,000 a month. In my head.
My favorite meetings are in the spring and especially in the summer because I get to show off my body art. I’ve got the long version of the serenity prayer tattooed on my back. Most of you don’t even know there’s a long version and I have it on my back. Who’s sober now? Yeah, that’s right. It’s me beeyatch. I like winter meetings okay. Last winter was particularly cool because I got to wear my new “Sons of Anarchy New York Chapter” leather. I seem to share more in the winter because like the classic alcoholic I am I get depressed during the shorter days. When it’s cold out I’ll smoke all natural cigarettes, eat red velvet cake and drink black coffee all day because that’s what real sober men do.
If a celebrity comes in the room, as they often do, I’ll try and make my shares particularly awesome. Last week a big time musician came in and I asked him how much time he had. He told me and I knew right away that I was way more sober than him! I tried to cultivate my share just for him. I talked for 45 minutes about humility. It was great. I know because everyone told me. I tried to be his sponsor but he said he already had one. I told him his sponsor wasn’t any good. He asked me, why not? I explained to him that because I am so very sober I am kind of like a Jedi. He walked away. That disappointed me so I decided to give it away to the guy who made coffee that day. “You call this coffee? Seriously?!" He started crying and shaking, all teary eyed from his two day count B.S. I’m the best thing that ever happened to him.
You feel how sober I am? I hope so. To the newcomer I’d like to say good luck because with guys like me around you are going to need it. Anybody that tells you that you can have fun and be sober is a lying fingernail licker!
Joe Sober is the pseudonym for a comedian who recently achieved 90 days sober.