You Are My Monkey, Not My Circus
I stepped center stage the day the circus came to town. Every circus needs a ringmaster they say and, holy mother of God, I took residence in that position before the curtain even opened! How did I not know it would be me jumping through the hoops, hanging from the high wire, riding the elephant in the room?
I completely understand now the trueness of that old saying—love is blind! I was blinded by maternal love!
My claim to ringmaster was laid out much like a monopoly board. All the players were in place. All the pawns were unleashed…and the game began.
Every roll of the dice set free the motions to conquer the board, but that ‘go straight to jail’ card kept coming up. As the mother of an addict, it was in my blood to stay in the game even though the struggles began to chip away at my stamina, my spirit, my soul, and my heart. Addiction only holds two cards in the game of monopoly—WIN or LOSE, lose showing up far more often than win. Yet still, I’d stay in that game, no matter what because—blood is thicker than water. BUT, when that blood begins to seep from within us as it dilutes itself from fear and anger and angst and shame, I became aware that the possibility of bleeding out became so fucking real. Each tainted droplet that landed in the ashes of bridges burned, of fallen dreams, of unanswered prayers, of life not well lived, I came to understand this, that you must say NO—NO MORE!
YOU ARE MY MONKEY, YOU ARE NOT MY CIRCUS ANYMORE!
For each and every one of you who are playing this board game, today must be the day you set aside your ringmaster hat and cape and baton. You must find yourself a seat in the audience and watch the high wire act from a distance as you seek out your own salvation. If you don’t seek it—no one will, and there can be no reparation because sometimes we break too far! Fear will control every forthcoming action and your own will, that will begin to fall like a pane of glass set to shatter when it lands. You will become small little shards that you may not be able to glue back together if you allow that pane of glass to land, defining who and what you’ve become now all because of another’s actions.
You must beware the fallacies of super powers, of being the ringmaster in a game you have no control over. You must come to understand that you have two choices. You can stay in the game and let the shards lay where they may, broken with no glue in sight, or, OR, you can fix you.
“You cannot tow a broken car home if the tow truck is also broken!” ~Jacqui Brown
You can throw every dime at an addict (rehab) but—YOU CANNOT FIX THEM! Their journey, as sad and frightening as it is, can only be rectified by them! You can only fix what you can—YOU, and support the rest (addict) when needed.
Always remember this…
“EVERYTHING YOU TRY TO CONTROL—ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ENDS UP CONTROLLING YOU!”
So, maybe today you consider setting down the dice, folding up the game board and shutting the tent door so the elephant can no longer get in the room. You, yes YOU, deserve to be happy. You were never meant to have the thunder stolen right out from under you every time you wake up, every time you take a breath!
It’s your day to try on something new. Maybe today is the day you come to fully understand that you can only control YOU! That your addict must learn—on their own—that, yes, you are bound by blood but will no longer carry the ball and chain of fear and anger and shame! You are no longer the whole fence set forth before them to keep them corralled, you are merely one fence post they can lean into when they need to know they are loved regardless of the circumstances. Loving the child and not the addiction should be unconditional!
You must learn to relive your life by doing something good for you EVERY FUCKING DAY that has nothing to do with their circus! YOU ARE NOT THE RINGMASTER. You are not meant to go straight to jail! You were meant to be free and happy because you are worth it.
“MY MONKEY, NOT MY CIRCUS!”
(rinse and repeat)
“MY MONKEY, NOT MY CIRCUS!”