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Why Can't You Just Have One?
When alcohol enters my body, all bets are off. I will do things I swore I would never do again. I will spend all the money I have. I will convince you to spend all the money you have. I will reach out to every guy who has ever hurt me and either curse them out or beg them to sleep over. I will act cruel, impulsive and often times demonic. I won’t care about you, unless you are willing to drink the way I plan on drinking. I am no longer in control of my physical, spiritual or emotional wellbeing once I take that first drink, albeit sip, of alcohol.
It is a difficult concept to explain to those who drink normally, even to those who binge drink. Why can’t you just have one is a common saying. The most simplistic way for me to explain the phenomenon of craving is that when I take a drink of alcohol, my entire body lights up after that first sip. All I can hear from then on is more, more, more. Get more drinks, stay out all night, drink until you pass out, get more, get more, get more, do anything you can to keep this going until the end of time. Because the feeling I get when I have one drink of alcohol, it is pure bliss. I am in nirvana. There is no more peaceful state for a person like me, an alcoholic. I cannot drink safely. I cannot trust my judgment or myself when I drink. And I have to keep going. Every fiber of my being tells me to, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the clear evidence of dysfunction. I will always continue to chase the feeling of the first drink.
A sequence of horrific emotional turmoil led me to reach my bottom. What I now know what happened to me was divine intervention, nothing short of a miracle. The stars aligned for me that day. I received what may be the greatest gift of my life. If I don’t protect this gift, it may never come again. For years I begged and prayed for someone or something to step in, and on that day I was heard.
Being sober is not easy. Anyone who tells you that is kidding themselves. I fight my alcoholic mind on a daily basis. I passed a liquor store while writing this and thought about buying wine. It is my go to. This is instilled in me. Because one is never enough, and neither is one thousand.
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