Where is 'my man' ?

By UnknownZone 01/31/18

I've been sober for over 28 years and have been in 2 relationships in that time period. The first one was the last 2 years of a 7 year drunken romance. We met on the upper eastside at a singles bar. I was out with my father, sister and his friends as sort of a ritual Friday night family dinner thing he created where I got to eat for free and drink a lot, also for free. After dinnertime on this one particular night at this particular restaurant the owners moved aside a bunch of tables and opened up a dance floor. My younger sister and I, she a dancer and me someone who likes to dance, went at it and danced the night away. At one interlude a fellow I was dancing with got 'fresh' in a way I did not want to reciprocate (what, me have a boundary?) and since he would not take no for an answer, I was saved by this other noble gentleman, who saw this, approached and stepped in, pretending to be my 'man' and swept me away.

We ended up together for seven years. We drank heavily for 5 out of the 7 years, the last 2 of which I got sober much to his dismay.

The other relationship I'd been in in recovery was my first sober relationship with a compulsive over eater and sex addict (online masturbator) who I'd met in a regular DA meeting I had been attending and knew him a few years before he, got up the nerve to ask me out. Within a few short weeks of dating, our rocky love affair, aka relationship began.

I got to see for the first time how intense my 'love addiction' and abandonment issues were, because he provided me with the exact right amount of cruel emotional withholding while actively pursuing his sex addiction online in the early days of AOL's chat rooms, in his case "Cool Older Women", of which btw to him I was.

Recovery, I soon realized, 5 years in, was not for the faint of heart and I was uncovering these intense love addicted feelings and abandonment that my parents had acted out with each other and others my whole life.

After the 2nd round of couple's counseling didn't take, we were in bed one night discussing the time I thought I might have been pregnant and he told me that if that had happened the child would have been unwanted and that was my cue to leave.

So, here I was free at last, again, to find 'my man'. it is 18 years later and I am still looking. When I say looking, at this point I am not looking, because having exhausted every avenue I have been told to pursue in order to find a match right for me including a lot of internet dating sites, hobbies I like, meetings on meetings, therapy to uncover whatever other issues I thought I had to look at, aside from going on a bunch of dates leading to the occasional 'over night', not one of these has lead to finding my man.

I am wondering at this late stage of recovery and life (not that late) if either all the work I've done on myself is for naught, or I am too damaged to manage and participate in a real adult relationship or perhaps disinterested.

Only my Higher Power knows that answer, and all I can do is continue my one day at a time journey and hope that I can still find my man, not the one I had originally hoped for (the fantasy) but someone, who, like me, has done some work and can participate with me in whatever it takes to find and maintain true companionship.

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