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When Anger Binds You To Heartbreak
“Anger is a fools game where no one wins. That ‘madness’ raging inside of you becomes insidious, and left unchecked, it eventually threads its way into every area of your life until everything but ‘it’ goes dark!”~jacqui brown
You feel it rising up in you. Worlds are colliding. Your throat tightens. It’s hard to breathe. Your teeth clench. Your eyes see red. Your fingers retreat into fists as you try to hold it together. That hot flush runs through you like molten lava ready to spill its lode on everything and everyone. You’re mad. No, No…you’re way beyond that. You’re — losing your shit — crazy mad, is what you are. You’re so balls out angry, you begin losing your ability to even function any more. You are totally submerged in a darkness that threatens your very being. You’re lost! You’re lonely! You’re scared! You feel like it’s you against the world!
Will this ever end you ask yourself?
Well, it can…if you want it to!
Most anger is born from lack of control! You want that control, but many times, you just can’t have it! What you will have if you try to control someone else who is uncontrollable—is anger. That’s all you will ever get! You will remain feeling shattered and broken, and your attitude towards everything will become darker than dark. You wear your control freak suit like a badge, when in reality, it’s an axe waiting to chop you down a few notches.
“Anger is not a tool when it is used as a weapon!”
As the parent of a drug addict, the feeling that you should be in control of the addict’s life, because your maternal instincts say you should be in control of it because you took on that responsibility for them the day their seed was planted, is really the problem.
When your children were young, you grew accustomed to how easy it was to control every little detail of that child’s life. Back then it was a no brainer. You were Marge In Charge. They did what you said to do. They went where they were told to go. They obeyed the rules you set forth. They had to respect you because or else ruled! YOU. WERE. IN. CHARGE! You had everyone’s life under control. As the children began to get older, you let a few things slip away as you learned the art of compromise together. Everything still seemed to flow fairly smoothly. There were probably a few arguments here and there, but that also seemed normal as everyone was growing both physically and emotionally.
Now, flash forward a few years. Everything changed in the blink of an eye. Your child stepped inside the devil’s parlor and here you are, angry, resentful, hurt and fatigued by it all. You’re wallowing in the 'why me' self talks. Why are they doing this to me? Why can’t I fix them? Why can’t they fix themselves? Is that a reason to be angry? Yes, yes it is, but when that anger is uncontrolled, there’s no place to hide, nor is there any place to heal. The rules of engagement when dealing with an addict transpose and filter into every fiber of your being. Your life turns into a battleground so fierce, dying seems like the only option to get out of the war zone! It’s become you against them! Every word you say to them is YOU still trying to be in control of their choices and when you can’t control it, you lose your fucking mind. You’ve allowed yourself to believe that you can fix them, change them, or make them better by your words of wisdom or by your threats. Guess what? You’re dead wrong. What you’ve actually done is hand over the control to them. They now control your every breath, your every action, and your every thought. They’ve got you by the balls as long as you stay in the game with them.
Let me just remind you of one pertinent fact about a drug addict! They are not thinking about you when they’re getting high! They are not thinking about you at all! They are not doing anything TO you. They are getting high and that’s all they’re thinking about. If you think the last thought that runs through their mind before they stick that needle in their arm or pop that pill is, take that Mom/Dad, well, you see where that’s going? In your mind, you think they’re trying their best to hurt you, when in fact, their only concern is where and when their next fix will arrive. They are not doing drugs to hurt you! They are just caught in a trap that binds them to their addiction.
“Only you can control what YOU feel!“
So, ask yourself these questions.
Are you putting ALL the blame for the current state of your life on your addict?
Do you believe they are solely responsible for undoing your emotional wellbeing?
Do you really believe they are doing drugs with the sole purpose being to hurt you?
And then ask yourself these three question:
Has your anger changed or rectified the situation for either of you?
Has your anger helped them turn their life around?
Has your anger ever made you feel better?
The answer to those three questions are probably all NO!
We all want that Martha Stewart life, but not all of us have that, so working with what you’ve got is where you need to start. Adopting a new attitude will go a long way in how the rest of your life turns out.
“Anger is just a tactic we use
when we lose our ability to cope!”
You must recognize that the only one you can change is YOU, and that may mean you need to learn a few new tricks. You need to learn how to diffuse that anger before it turns to rage, because when rage arrives, all those smart choices you think you can make, they’re going to fly right out the window, all because you want some kind of relief from it all, no matter the cost. You want to blame someone else for your misery so you don’t have to process the idea, or do the work it takes, to make some changes in your life. Thing is, if you don’t change, nothing changes!
If you’re as miserable as you think your addict is, you’ve got a problem, one that needs to be dealt with immediately. If all you’re doing is rehashing all the same old shit, all day, everyday, week after week, month after month, year after year, without doing ANYTHING to change how you’re feeling, then you have some work to do. All those things you once had, the things that used to make you happy, the things you shoved off to the sidelines so you could grow that anger by trying to remain in control—they’re still there, waiting on the sidelines, hoping you will give them CPR!
As a life coach, I deal with parents every day that are living this nightmare. I see many who can’t or won’t dig themselves out of the madness because it DOES require work and action, but I also see many who finally had enough of THAT life, and finally, finally, found the courage to walk away from that anger because they realized it serves no purpose. It fixes nothing. It ruins everything! They made a choice to change themselves instead of staying engaged with all that was keeping them in that darkest of dark places. They chose self-love, self-care, and discovered their own self-worth again. They finally understood that they had a right to be happy regardless of their circumstances. They changed that anger into empathy. They cut the umbilical chord and invested in their own wellbeing. Now, that does not mean they no longer love their addict, they do, with all their heart, it just means they stopped engaging and reacting to them. They chose to get off the crazy train. I know all of them most certainly still hold hope in their heart of hearts that their addict will find a way out, but they have chosen to never be dragged down into that mosh pit again! They set healthy boundaries and stuck to them. They decided it was time for them to be happy and healthy again by putting their love and compassion where it would serve them best—on themselves and all those sideline things!
Anger is poison! Stop drinking it like it’s the last thirst quencher on earth. Surrender that anger and reach out for help! It’s never too late to help yourself!
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