Unexpected AA Promises

By LaEglantine 07/23/18

Of all the things that I expected was the jolt of reality after, giving up alcohol and whatever else kind of thing my friends handed me. I'm recovering garbage head yes. After a few drinks whatever was floating was all right with me. I drank to be numb emotionally, physically and mentally.  but I got sober (not just dry) it felt like an onslaught of sensation and feeling washed on me. It dawned on me what was happening.  that I had disassociated so much that when I thought that I was following the plot of my favorite television shows I never realized how extremely violent they were.


I apparently have always been a victim of the flight of ideas [sentences tripping over one another, no boundaries at all being enraged over any number of things]. Even when the alcohol was removed from my body, I difficult to be around, I would get more outrageous and to make you pay attention…you could not ignore me. I was smart but was unable to get promoted maybe it was not being able to at work consistently. Show me alcohol and it would numb me enough to make it through a day and be reasonably productive.

Relationships were too intense for me sexual or otherwise. I could just about handle people at arm's distance after a meeting, mumbling hello when I shot out the door, an emotionally starved needy child of forty going on eleven.

And that it was sex. Okay sex when you're totally conscious and aware of what you're doing is very different from drunk sex. Drunk sex when you realize you don't really like this person as much as you thought. Sober your feelings are more intense. I needed to learn all over again what works for you and what doesn’t. There is no guide book for this stuff. Apparently, my body just wanted to wave and say hey I'm still here.

 I had done great damage to my body over thirty odd years of drinking. So, when I stopped drinking, cartilage in my knees and hips was gone. They had to be replaced and how painful it was to walk. Of course in my heart I was pissed that   I couldn't have any of the really fun drugs I had to do Tylenol, and that part of each day I needed to just take a nap stretch out and get comfortable.

  It's a journey, I started drinking when I was a eleven year old child. When you clear up and the white haired woman who looks like your mother, you want to go back and play with makeup wear one of those wild blond afro wigs and take selfies and do all of the stuff that normal teens do to be who they are.  


Restaurant with a friend around I noticed a tree whose leaves turned yellow. the tree have been there for a while, but I never noticed it. Since I’ve been sober I’ve been able to just let little things come in. my wig is in the mail, and  I'm game and ready to play.


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