The Toothache that allowed me to say 'Goodbye'
Ramblings of a Recovering Junky or;
The Toothache that kept on giving… wait, is that oxy!?
*I found this in my Documents so it's a few months old, written around Christmas*
It’s 4am and I’m in agony, toothache (Which we can all agree, it's the worst. Right!?), Shameless US is playing in the background as I flick through ‘My Fair Junkie’ I can’t concentrate on anything for more than five/ten minutes without holding my face and trying to... push the pain in to my face more?I don’t know what it is I am doing when the pain kicks in, but I seem to hold my face and push inward… so anyway, I’m flicking through Dresners book reading the happier parts to distract me because I’m in a depressive state. I can’t take meds that’ll take the pain away because I’m an addict. That pisses me off. So, I go to the darker parts of the book, where I’m at right now. ‘Suiting my mood’. As I am doing this, I’m eyeing up the screen and the book. I’ve also got Dopey (The Dopey Podcast - Listen to it if you haven’t. It’s amazing!) after a while of this I then remember the last time I had tooth pain this bad in sobriety and Paracetamol/Ibuprofen (you guys in the states call Paracetamol Acetaminophen?) were as helpful as... a chocolate tea pot. Here's the story with the toothache back then;
It was a few weeks of being clean, I’m finally starting to enjoy the ‘Normality’ of life. I have excruciating toothache which goes from the back tooth across to the two front teeth. Agonising. I explain to a friend. They see that I’m in pain, eyes red and talking like I have a muzzle with spikes that fit the mouth to stop that ‘Dangerous’ Staff/Pit Bull/Rottweiler or any other dog society deems ‘Dangerous’ (No, I know they dont have spikes in I am just trying to paint a picture). So, I’m in pain and here’s the best part... I can’t take anything strong enough to fuck it off, you know? Because all the pain meds that could get rid or, put the pain aside contain Opiates. A day or so later a friend gives me something for ‘desperate’ measures. ‘Oxycodone 40mg slow release’. I put it away, I don’t want to take the fucking thing but, I do because, well I don’t know why, I just did! For the next week or so I now have the pill in my head... but the nagging goes as does the pain. Eventually. I couldn’t have taken it anyway because I was on Buprenorphine, it wouldn’t get through or it would just make me sick. But that voice told me ‘Just in case!’ and I listened. Or maybe, I was testing myself? No. I was freshly clean, so I was still on the fence obviously but, didn’t take the bugger!
Fast forward to now. 839 days in (now 840 borderline 841 as I edit & Submit…Further edit as I found this I am1,060 Days Sober!), a day or two after the night I was up reading Amy Dresners ‘My Fair Junkie’ and watching Shameless simultaneously and we’ve (Myself and the Girls) just put our Christmas Tree and Decorations up. As I was up in the loft, I stumble across the case I got my glasses in, where I’d hide my ‘medicine’ way back when and I chuckled to myself. I then open it. Why? Nostalgia, maybe? I don’t know. But what’s in there? The Oxy my friend had given me. (It was tucked away, hidden very well. But I was rummaging for books as well as extra Christmas Decs) This is weird because the last time I saw this tablet, I had the same toothache, same place blah blah… All I can say is ‘it’s your own fault, sweet tooth!’ (I love Cornetto’s) So... the tablet is in there all alone. Begging to be used, ‘just scrape off that layer that makes it ‘Slow Release’ and... toothache be gone, I’m in pain I’m not doing it to get high?’ I tell myself, well, I wasn’t telling myself I was just thinking of the excuses I could give myself to lapse with this thing! But to be honest it was just me reminding myself of the excuses I would give myself. I again chuckled and went about my day because I couldn’t care less. Flush! Going back up to the loft to put the boxes and such away I see my copy of ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’ which, coincidentally, I had last read while on Oxy & other wonderful things, I wipe it clean because I’d done a few lines off it. Yes, I still believe there may well be residue of dope and want to be cautious, that’s not so wrong. I bring it down and I’m going to give it a read. Sober. Pretentious ol’ me. “I read Gravity’s Rainbow on Dope!” Sure, I was nodding in and out, but I read it! Was a great fucking book too! The one Pynchon book that required a few re-reads of chapters here and there, still a phenomenal book, was ‘Inherent Vice’ I’m not sure why ‘Inherent Vice’ had me scratching my head in some places and ‘Gravity's Rainbow’ not so much but... Now I’m going to read ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’ without nodding and tell myself that I am a fucking soldier, I will read it and I will get through this pain. Not only did I have that pill for so long, but I had days where I hadn’t had my Subutex back then because of fuck ups at the chemist so I’d be sick without the dose and fight through. That tablet would have solved that issue ‘the sickness’ but... I didn’t use it. Most likely because I had clearly forgotten about it! But the point is this... I do not need it. I don’t need anything other than what I have. My two girls. My job. My family. My ramblings. All that pill would do is drag me back to a lonely, painful and bitter life. One I don’t miss at all. So, I do what my old self would kill me for. I flush it. YAY ME!
Nice 'quick one' but I still had to submit this one because there is or will come a time when you’ll be in possession of what once controlled your life and you can just fuck it off because you’re free. You’ve broken free from that life & its shackles. You’re sober! That’s the greatest feeling, not the nod or the rush, tingly legs, complete euphoria. Even when you wanna rip your fucking teeth out because you’re in so much pain!
Goodbye, Dope. It was fun for a while, but you got selfish, needy and too dominating. I’ve written a goodbye letter which I’ll post soon enough. You took nearly everything from me. This is my goodbye to you, I’m late in doing so but... Fuck You and Goodbye.
For those of you who can get through these painful Ramblings, thank you.
The Recovering Junky.
Stay Strong & Toodles!
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