Three Years: Recovery in Three Parts... Part Two
Forgiveness, they might forgive you, but do you forgive yourself?
Forgiveness in Recovery is KEY. Well, for me it was. Making sure that the people I hurt along the way know that I am sorry, know that I knew I was wrong and identified as being wrong… I wouldn’t accept their forgiveness if it seemed to be casual like “Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s fine…” No, it isn’t fine, it wasn’t fine. I am apologizing, I was not me and I need to know that you sincerely accept the apology or, ill annoy you in making sure I know you know I am truly sorry. Again, this is where that Obsessiveness started to rear its ugly head. As expected, over a short period of time I got forgiveness. Mostly from a close friend of mine whom I had met while working in Graphics and the moment I met this dude we were friends. Shared love of all things Film, Books, Comics, Kev Smith, we were general misfits! I remember in active addiction when my Opiate Tolerance was rampant, but my nose was hungry I was due to see my friend. This was about a year after I left Graphics, hadn’t seen my friend in the same time frame. I was 3 hours late, high as a kite and offered him some Coke… He doesn’t touch drugs and I knew this. He forgave me but I still feel shitty for that. Again, over time a weight has been lifted but I would go into bouts of a kind of ‘funk’, like a depression but it wasn’t depression I just felt low and nothing, nothing, would bring me back up. It started to get worse and worse until finally I realized that it was me! I would dwell on all the things I had done to my family, friends, colleagues… I couldn’t forgive myself. Why? I had cleared it all up. So, why was I still beating myself up? But at the same time, how could I not!? The things I did were super shitty, I lost a friend to this disease, he passed away and I know that had a big role to play in forgiving myself. Sure, we used together but he was reluctant in doing so, just concerned I would go elsewhere… somewhere dangerous so, he’d have me over. ‘R’ was a great guy, truly. One of a kind. He was incredibly selfless in that he would always be helping the older neighbours that surrounded him in the small apartment building. When I would land at his I’d usually climb through the window, his phone would ring and it would be old friends of mine that would give him shit for ‘harbouring’ me, then give me shit for putting our mutual friend in the position where he felt he had to ‘help me out’… They were right. I was being an asshole but at the same time, I loved this guy and we would have genuine heart to hearts about what I was doing to not only myself but my family. “Silence is the most deafening sound to come home to…” when he passed away, I didn’t have any closure. Our last talk was me moaning that I had to roll him a cigarette and him moaning because I was shit at rolling them! Looking back, it was just us, that was our gimmick… give each other shit, chat shit, heart to heart, leave, work, repeat… He deserves his own piece and he will get it of course but Christ… I miss that dude.
There isn’t much more I can keep throwing into these articles. Well there is but, I don’t want to overstay my welcome with it. So, maybe this second part can be a nice little interval because I do have some grand gesture for the third act… But before I sign off. I have a friend who doesn’t like me really contacting him anymore because he is still not clean. He doesn’t want me to fuck with my clean time. We were extremely close, I wrote about the little shit, Wingy! When I told him of my addiction/s he blamed himself, crying… much like my mother. I don’t blame him in the slightest, but I loathe when I got that ‘It’s my fault…’ which sounds really rude of me? But, if it wasn’t him, it would have been someone else. Much like with R above, if I wasn’t round his, I’d be somewhere else doing it. When I got that "…It’s my fault." I again felt this intense guilt like a knife through the chest, how do I take that? How do I handle that burden? Well, I understand that what it is, is his guilt of setting me down a path which is not true. I was already aiming toward this path, with or without his guidance and that is on me. That is something else I have had to forgive myself for, knowing that there is nothing I can do or could have done to stop the wrecking ball that is addiction from picking me up and knocking me through life. All I can do is what I have done, own it and wear it like a badge of honour. I made mistakes, I got out alive very luckily. All I can do is own sobriety not just for myself but for R, too. He wanted to so bad, but he lost his battle. But I'll own my Recovery for the both of us, that is the least I can do for him. At least then, I can forgive myself for putting him through the worry of keeping an eye out for the wayward kid that weighed less than Kate Moss...
To be Continued.
Stay Strong & Toodles!