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Taking Charge Of Me
No one knows what lays ahead.
No one knows that feeling in your head.
You're out of control, it wasn’t meant to be.
The doctor hooked me up to morphine.
It was supposed to be a fun day with my daughter, instead our car was hit and we were spinning out of control. My young eleven year old daughter wasn’t harmed. I am ever so grateful for that. I instead was hit by a snow plow and thrown into the front of the car, my legs were injured and my body went limp.
Waking up with a IV of morphine and other narcotics pumping into my veins, feeling in so much pain. People all around me in white uniforms, a police officer trying to ask me questions (I don’t even know what I said). I felt like I was experiencing my body sinking into quicksand.
From that moment on, the pain got worse and worse. More drugs, more morphine in higher amounts. I remember being told that my daughter would be fine. I saw a vision of a bright light, a cross and a large man in a big yellow coat. (later to find out the accident was across from a church, the man was the one who got me out of the car and the bright light was the lights on the ambulance. --going in and out, where am I).
The nightmare of the beginning of addiction had begun, I didn’t even know. I didn’t ask for it, it was required to treat the pain.
After a month in the hospital in rehab, returning home in a wheelchair, I was given by doctors morphine and another narcotic to help with my legs when the pain got worse. My family could barely understand me when I spoke. I felt really strange and slept away most of my days.
After my cousin came to visit she asked my husband what I was on. A registered nurse, a very intelligent one at that and I owe her my life. She told him to get me into the hospital and get me off of this stuff right away.
I remember I kept saying to the doctor I keep getting colder and colder. These drugs are like blankets, they give you one and it works for a while and then it stops. I need another blanket and yet I am still cold. This terrible addiction just kept getting worse and worse.
The doctor asked me these questions “Do you want to go off of these pills? “ Do you want to be pain free?”. All I remember doing was crying and saying, "please help me."
For days I laid in a hospital bed, coming off the drugs were terrible. I was thrashing the bed, my body and mind was so out of control. Each time a dose would go lower, I was losing control of my mind body and soul. The beautiful blonde haired doctor looked at me, we're taking you off the final dose. “You can do this, I know you can”.
Those next days I saw the wildest and weirdest things I have ever seen, my pillows were thrown everywhere. The best and final memory of all of that was a very dear friend from high school looked at me (a nurse) which I thought was strange, holding a tall glass of ice water. The only thing I could keep in my stomach for a very long time.
I started to gain strength with jelly and soda. I could finally see my family.
Rehab had begun right after. We worked in a gym and I had social workers work with me. There were no need for the drugs anymore. The pain was bad but there was no need for a “fix”. Self talk, writing in my journal, music so many things that helped to ease the pain. Most of all meditation.
Two months later, drug free still in a wheelchair for a while until we found a healthier treatment of vitamin supplements that helped build the strength.
I am so blessed and to this day, my medical records state “No Narcotics”. I took charge, I gave back to myself, my husband and my family, and the best part, “ME”.
I am in control, I am blessed and I want everyone to know you don’t need this medication. If it is only for a while, get off of it quick. You are always in charge of who you are, your health. Most of all, always be kind to yourself.
I will never get back that time when I wasn't me, and I want others to know you never want to feel like I did. The drugs could have eventually taken me, there never could have been enough. I look at this and what happened as an example of what could have been, but most of all "Who I Am Today, How Proud I Am Of Me".
"Once I wrote to help me cope, now I write to give others hope"
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