In some aspects, getting off heroin was the easy part...
As ironic as it sounds,
Getting off heroin was the easy part...
First off, that goal was extremelly black and white, singular in nature, and had an undertone of life or death motivating it.
But the actual stopping of using was the easy part of this recovery life. Also the intensity of the challange, was in itself somewhat exciting looking back. I knew without a speck of doubt that if I stopped using dope, my life would get better, that was easy math. But what I didn't anticipate was the long journey of confusion, uncertainty, and fear I was going to be walking in recovery. True faith had to be developed...However there is no fast way to speed that process up. Trust me, you could say "Ive looked into it".
God does not give lessons easy. Whatever your higher power is, god, buddha, the universe, a tennis shoe, whatever it is, there is a universal truth that real depth and change do not come easy. Us alcoholics and addicts are stubborn by nature, duh. And we have gotten really high, really drunk, found the fastest ways to develier the most powerful dose, and did this for a really long time.
This can be a tough pill to swallow as we continue on this journey of long term recovery. And I used to a lot of pills. Overtime we overdeveloped our impulse reaction. Intense highs, devestating lows. Day after day, week after week, year after year. Im no neroscientist, but I can tell you from experience, decades of this spectrum changes your brain 100%. So finding yourself out of the "pink bubble" or initial high of recovery, can seem bland, grey, life can seem unseasoned.
Early on I dove into everything that might cause a spark in my mood. I noticed early on in recovery, I didn't just workout, I destroyed my body. I didn't just date, I created chaotic violtile relationships. I seeked attention, I seeked praise, I seeked dopamine and addrenaline. I see people get into recovery and not have such a hard time adjusting to "the now" or "present moment" type of lifestyle, however me, it was like taming a wild mongoose.
I meditated, I read books, I banged my head over and over with more relapses, more breakups, I spent too much money, I eat too many cookies, and eventually I said "fuck it" I'll try giving myself to you God. Ill just focus this body machine on breathing in and out, and you have permission to handle all the rest. Im a mess in or out of recovery and I never truley learned how to live with myslef.
Then I got a glimpse of eaze...just a glimpse, but that was infininty more then what I had ever felt. Since then, I have to do something to give my pyche over everyday, and with continued practice I feel that eaze often. I get high off it now. Im so eazy breezy sometimes, normal people look insane to me. Family functions, buisness endevors, and social activities I sit back and lay in the groove, people notice my demenor and ask "what is that, why are you so chill, so kind, etc" Its a secret that costs no money. Its called active recovery. Active, meaning in action. I can't live checking in and out of recovery when it's convenient for me, I have to live in the middle of that swimming pool of goodness. Cuase if I start to float to any side, I create ideas and perceptions that are not true, and if I get closer to an edge I hurt others. But if I just nestle into recovery (go to meetings, daily meditation/prayer, work with other alcoholics/addicts, exercise, engage in passionate hobbies) Im the chillist one in the room, Im on a real vibe. Floating on a cloud of eaze, excuding an attractive state.
Whoever is reading this, if you made it through the grammatical errors, just know you have worth. Whatever you chase in recovery you can find if you have a grounding. Nothing sexy about that foundation, but it is esential and creates opportunity for real sexy, mind blowing experiences. Keep pushing, never give up, keep learning, keep helping others, never loose HOPE.