Relapse to Sponsorship, finding hope again
3 years ago....
I was shit hot in the program, jucking and jiving, I was intensely connected and vibrant. I had tons of friends, I was leading topics, spitting hope, working at a halfway house, speaking to treatment centers, and I had accumliated a total of 6 sponsees.
Was I the best sponsor in the world? -No
I had no time to really hear them, I gave them the Walmart, economy class, version of sponsorship. What was happening unbenounced to me was my ego had taken over. EGO=Easing God Out. I had my hand in all these tons of activities, but I had no connection with God. Regardless of all the service I was performing, I was consumed with self image, finnances, achievment, women, etc. AKA all the nasty shit that is common to taking us recovery folks down.
So what happened you ask?
Well, I relapsed....BAD. I found myself coming too on a dead end street in the projects with 3 out of 4 car doors open and my car ransacked. I had taken a leathel combination of Xanex, Morphine, and to top it off super potent Heroin. I was alive though...somehow. Shocked and discombobulated, I started the process which I knew all to well...tell your sponsor, go to a meeting and pick up a 24hour chip. However, this time I had 6 sponsees to notify. That was a new level of brutal to me, my depression loved beating me up with that topic. I felt like I was letting them down...How would they ever get sober now??! -There you go again ego.
Fast forward to round 2 of sponsoring. Im back in the saddle again, with 2 young sponsees, way less ego this time. I stayed strategically away from them emotionally, which of course failed. Over the process I begin to see myself in them and they started to resemble younger brothers. So when 1 commited suicide and the other died from a heroin overdose, I was destroyed. No matter what anyone said to me after...I had a hand in that, I failed them, my self-destructive thinking was fueled by their deaths. I vowed to never sponsor again....Nope....No way sir....Done.
Now we land in present time. It had been over two years since I started that "never gonna sponsor again" narritive in my head, and after awhile...I yearned for that real deal 12th step. I craved working with another on that level, taking him through the book, discussing their issues, seeing the light turn on, and above all getting out of my pre-dispositioned selfish head. So, I started raising my hand to sponsor again. At first I would barley lift my hand, I had zero confidence, but I wanted it. Then my arm started to accompany my hand, raising it towards the sky proud. I started texting my friends, halfway house owners/staff, putting myself out there as a sponsor. It wasnt getting any bites though. So I took it to prayer-"God if and when you see fit, please put the right sponsee in my life that I can take through the steps".
Months of doing this and I finally got one! He came out of no where and it couldn't of been more obvious God had a hand in doing so. He is polar opposite of me, two times my age, and we differ on religious ideals. However, it is fucking perfect. I met with him for the first time yesterday, and I left elated....dopamine surge. This is the all encompassing missing piece in my recovery, sponsorship. I instantly feel more worth in myslef, more connected in the program, and my head is self centered insainity.
For anyone reading this...You are missing out on that GOOD GOOD miracle of the program if you are not working the steps to eventually sponsor. Take it from me, a relapse monster, you are worth it, you do have a voice, and someone needs you....Someone needs you. The rest is for you to see and its beautiful.