I've tried sobriety too many times to count.
It has been a developmental journey for me.
I was like a baby when I first realized that I had a problem. I was scared, pissy, and whiny. And while I've had many sober attempts, many moderation attemps, and some---I don't want to quit drinking attempts. I grew through each phase.
My biggest problem was that I didn't want to stop drinking. It was the magical elixir. Perhaps the biggest lie I've ever told myself.
I want to stop, now: not out of shame, or because someone thinks I should, or because I am afraid. I am stopping for me. There are many things I want to accomplish before I exit this earth. I can't do any of them under the influence.
I have great sorrow in my life. My heart has been so broken, that I could actually feel it. That has not changed.
What has changed is my ability to rise to the occasion, face my losses, and find a flicker of joy deep inside--I thought it was snuffed out. It was not. That was alcohol doing the talking. No pink cloud, here. Just an abiding sense of humanity.
Being alcohol free has given me:
-loss of self-centeredness
I am feeling so very different these days.
My deep sadness has been replaced with a spark of joy. My depression is lifting. My anxiety has lessoned to almost being nonexistent. Although some things have not changed, I am changing. I am actually singing with the radio again.
When I examine what is different?
1) I am not drinking alcohol.
2) I am eating a sound, nutritional diet.
3) I am drinking enough filtered water.
4) I am actively working my recovery program.
5) I am using the skills I am learning: like, self care without condemnation. Affirming my pain without judgement. Choosing to change my perspective if the one I am using is causing me pain.
6) I am reconnecting with myself. I've been absent for a long while.
I am tracking my progress with a purple heart. At first.....I thought "no!" because purple hearts are reserved for heroes who show enormous courage to save another.
And then I realized: I am a hero.
Recovery is taking all the courage I've ever had and some I didn't know I had.....I am saving me.
Yup. Purple Heart is more than appropriate.
Sobriety is Clarity, Creativity, Freedom! Community connection is the first step.
ReThink the Drink
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