Memoir , A junkie's tale. Pt. 2: To all the "glam" junkies.

By MarinJoseph 05/27/21

And who's the stupid one now....

After I betrayed everybody's trust, my dear family, the friends who loved me without condition, who gave chance after chance and my parents, who didn't sleep for weeks on end, who went to meetings, groups, detox centers, expensive rehabs. Whatever it takes, whatever you need, just stop killing yourself, you raving beauty. I've never really felt beautiful. 

Mother died for me. She knew I won't recover as long as she's alive, crime and punishment, She knew all too well, knew too much, she got cancer and she didn't tell nobody. 6 years she lived with the desease, went to meetings, took care of me while I was hungover or in withdrawal, even when all hell broke loose and the final days of drinking, the most terrible days of my life that completely dismantled my nerves, destroying my personality that hasn't been shaped yet, inside I'm a little kid, it's a secret. Mother knew what she had to do and found the solution in her own death. She paid with her life for my sake because she knew that if she would'nt have done that I will never be sound. On you I used every second every minute, I rebeled at every good plot, into my 25 I rebeled my mother's death. 

Now she's gone. She's an angel in the sky now, keeping an eye on me from above, glancing over to see whether I've passed the test she had taught me or if I keep stumbling. I won't let you down Mom, I wont let you down Dad. It's only now that I feel your concern, your boundless love, only after you're already gone. You made me laugh till the end, Mom, you've always had this insane sense of humor even when you weighed 80 pounds and you didn't even have the power to laugh- You made me laugh, entertained me so I feel better, so that I laugh. I'm gonna miss you so much, when there's no more your shoulder, my best friend, to cry on. When I'll never hear you making another joke, never again shall I see you smile, Oh my love. Maybe I realized it too late, maybe everything happens for the best. You did the ultimate did for the sake of the life of your child, you went to death with determination, like you've done everything in your life, No fear, brave like in fairytales. Always strong, always kind, you always had the best advice. And now there's no more your shoulder. tomorrow you're being burned, and we're gonna carry you in an urn. But your spirit is with me, I know, your spirit will come down to visit every time I feel weak, make me stronger, support me like no one ever knew and never will know except for you what I needed to start recovering. I'm a good actor. Really, I am. Might be too good. I always got what I wanted without spending a penny. After 9 years I have some down payments to pay. Everything in life has a reward and a price and a prize, my payments I will always pay alone when it's all done and over.

Everything will be fine now. A quiet and pleasant breeze caresses the heart that has cooled over the years, chasing the ultimate high. A quiet breeze whistles everything's gonna be alright now. Thank you Mother for giving me the gift of life. I'm sorry I had to take yours instead. 

She had no other way.


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