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Meditate ... Not Medicate
I am trying to learn the art of meditation verses medication.
And I'm not talking about prescribed medication for a medical condition.
Im talking about my past, and how I have always been so quick to medicate for the quick fix, the easy way out from how I was feeling.
Feelings are strange and new to me in recovery. Accepting life on life's terms is not natural or easy for me. Having to face the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of myself and the whirlwind of life has its challenges. I am trying to learn to rest and relax.
Trying to learn to calm my mind. Anxiety is all about worrying about the future.
Constant worry is futile and frustrating to say the least.
Psalm 127:2 gives these words of wisdom, "It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat, for God gives rest to his loved ones".
God gives rest to his loved ones ... I am the one anxiously fighting against the grain.
I am a Christian, and my higher power, whom I choose to call God has totally got this.
So why do I fight it?
Why do I struggle to surrender?
Why to I worry about the future?
Why do I struggle to stay in today?
In fact, the first time I was given the advice from a sober friend to "stay in today", I told her it was too late. That I had already been out several times that day!
OH ... stay in TODAY, not STAY IN today. Sobriety and the sayings I have learned seemed like a whole different language at first.
In sobriety, I have come to realize how much I tend to put the cart before the horse. How much I fret and worry about the future which I have absolutely no control over.
All this fretting and worrying is anxiety, even though I have always believed I did not have anxiety. I now believe I have always had anxiety, but I learned to drown it out, along with my feelings , with my medication of choice. The drug of choice, whatever it was at the time, helped to push back my feelings, and numb the worry and confusion.
I no longer want to live this way.
I tend to be very "busy", running here and there,and doing this or that.
It leaves literally no time to think or process emotions. And no time to rest.
Even when I am told to rest, I fight it. A great example of this is evident after my recent medical procedure. I was put under anesthesia, and I admit the moments before I was put out felt pretty darn familiar. I enjoyed That warm and fuzzy buzz I felt, and I fought going to sleep. Don't judge, you'd probably do the same.
I awoke with no memory of what had just happened, which is great, because I had just had a colonoscopy. But it brought back memories of waking up with no idea what I had done the night before. Shame, guilt, embarrassment, and a general " Oh Shit" feeling. These Uncomfortable feelings I can now reflect on, and learn from.
After my procedure I was told numerous times not to drive for 24 hours, and not to make any major decisions. But of course, I knew better than the medical professionals. I had a ride home, but I drove myself to another appointment a few hours later. I was not about to miss a massage appointment, and I did really feel fine. Then again, I always felt fine when driving after a few drinks.
Yet Under the influence is under the influence!
I also decided to sell my car online later that night. The car I have driven for thirteen years! Seriously, what part of " don't make any major decisions" did I not understand?
in my defense, I had been planning on selling it for weeks, but I did not plan on selling it that night. It all worked out in the end, and I am now sporting a new ride.
It affected me though, realizing the way I have disregard for the rules. Like they don't apply to me.
I would not have even seen the irony or realized the error in my ways if I was still medicating away my feelings. I no longer want to live as if the rules don't apply to me.
They do apply to me!
It also made me realize how much I need to be in AA. For my thinking, not just my drinking. I can be sober and still act like a dumb ass. Being sober doesn't automatically make me refined and a straight arrow rule follower.
No! I'm still the same person who needs a lot of work.
And I'm grateful that I realize this. If I put half the amount of time in learning how to relax and just breathe as I did in partying and blocking feelings out, I might just get it.
Today, I choose meditation over medication.
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