Loving My Way to Relapse
Her hair is a combination of strawberry blonde/classic red----I guess there is an exact definition for this description, but I've never liked “Gingers”, and the term does not do justice to how beautiful she was to me! Often, I think to myself that if I thought of her as a Ginger then maybe I wouldn’t like her so goddamn much. At any rate, I met her when I was 9 months Sober, I lost her the day I relapsed.....or maybe I had lost her way before that first drink? Maybe I never had her?
Originally, I knew of her from witty, outrageous, and fucking hilarious Facebook posts that she churned out with great regularity. There was an anger oozing from her words/memes that was cleverly mixed in with humor, she was also HOT, Luke was intrigued. We had mutual friends, and had hung out in some of the same circles, but somehow had never really met. I reached out to her. We messaged occasionally throughout the summer. She had moved to the beach after an awful breakup and string of shitty jobs. I was excited when she told me she’d be moving back soon and needed a job. At the time I was managing a Bar/Restaurant so I told her that I might be able to help.
I remember the first time she walked into the place I worked.....she had holes in her jeans, a distinctively cute nose, her hair was bright bright bright bright, there was an “I don’t give a fuck what people think” attitude about her. She had these eyes, and this look, hmmmmm how do I describe it? You could look at her and tell that she had experienced some things, seen some things, dealt with some things, been forced to make some decisions that weighed on her mind constantly. Instantly, I wanted to make everything in her world happy and better.
That day I showed her around the restaurant. She made me nervous. I kept telling myself “be cool Luke” so I played the COOL GUY MANAGER role, or at least I tried to. I’m sure she read right through my act. Did I mention she made me nervous? Following my tour, which was more like my personal show-off session, I walked her to the door and she gave me a hug. I’m quite certain I hugged her back a little longer than was appropriate. An Army of Butterflies swarmed the insides of my stomach and began moving North where they would capture my Heart, I was defenseless. Never ever have I ever been one to believe in Love at first sight or came close to experiencing it, but that day I think I did. Fuck man, I was smitten!
“We” hired her. Things went fast or I guess you could also say slow depending on how you looked at it. She did not want a relationship and I think I was ready to propose after our first date. At any rate, we did everything together-------she came home with me for Thanksgiving and Christmas, met my family, we worked together, went to fancy dinners together, went to the Bar together, went shopping, played card games, basically lived together. We always enjoyed each other’s company, it was really nice! The one thing we didn’t do together was drink. She drank a lot, I was Sober. We started smoking pot together, my choice, didn’t think much of it, still considered myself to be sober. Despite all our time spent together, there was a part of her I could never reach. She made me nervous----does she like me?
In retrospect, I was so slowly losing hold of my Sobriety. I stopped journaling and writing, stopped meditating, stopped speaking to my sober mentors, stopped doing all the things that had helped get me sober. Before my first drink, before my first line of coke, I had already relapsed.....RELAPSED ON HER! As long as I was around her, I felt the same euphoric rush that drugs and alcohol gave me. Sooooooo, I treated my new found Love like a drug----I slurped her up like a never-ending supply of booze and snorted her like a baggie of coke. More, more, more, more of her is what I needed. I’m sure it was over-whelming. Despite the attention I paid to her, there was a part of her I could never reach. She made me nervous------does she like me?
My previous ideas of Romance with other girls was being nice enough to share my bag of blow with them, a real Casanova I was! With my new Sober Love, I tried to right all the wrongs of my previous relationship mis-steps. I willingly bought her gifts all the time, surprised her with bottles of wine, gave her enough flowers that she could’ve started her own garden, took her out to expensive dinners. She did not ask for any of this stuff, even told me that it made her uncomfortable. I persisted, all these nice things I did were done as a reflex of what my heart was telling me to do. Despite all my gifts and acts of kindness, there was a part of her I could never reach. She made me nervous---------does she like me?
I tell her I LOVE HER after about 6 months, I did not mean to, it just came out....her face lights up, she kisses me more passionately than she ever had before, she does not say I Love You back that day, or any day after. Despite her knowing I Love Her, there is a part of her I could not reach................She made me nervous-------------does she love me?
On the inside I begin to fall apart with thoughts of drinking. Things aren’t great with the girl and I. Her job has her doing ridiculous hours filled with nail-biting stress/anxiety. My car breaks down, we share her car, we are around each other more than we should be, it is no longer fun. I keep thinking about booze but don’t say anything. She begins to pull away. I know I'm heading towards a relapse, I cling to her tightly but don’t tell her why. Maybe if we drink together it will help, maybe then I can finally reach her. She made me nervous------------------does she love me?
I drink, I snort, I message her, “do you want to drink with me?” She does not want to drink with me and seems angry i would ask. She needs time to think about things, I lose my mind, I go on my worst self-destructive bender ever. Maybe if I stop drinking again, stop snorting coke again, maybe then I can finally reach her. She made me nervous--------------------------will I ever even see her again?
I am now Sober once again. I have not seen her. Thoughts of her still scamper across my mind and heart from time to time. She is my first Sober Love. Maybe one day I will see her again, maybe I will finally reach her then. She still makes me nervous-------------------------------------I wonder if she ever thinks about me? I wonder if I can stay sober? I need to be Sober----------------------I think it’s me that makes me nervous, not her. All along, it wasn’t actually her that made me nervous, it was me, it was me, it was me!!! I was never comfortable enough in my own Sober skin, never liked/loved myself enough, I was NOT ready.....Stay Sober Luke, please stay sober!