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Looking Back at Living a Watered Down Life
When I wanted to escape reality, I drank. On the outside, it seemed normal to the people around me, mainly because everyone around me was usually drinking too. Drinking had been my coping mechanism since college, and I was dealing with some heavy shit. Being a mother was hard. Losing a parent was hard. Being in a marriage was hard. Being in a marriage with a combat veteran was hard. Being a combat veteran was hard. Alcohol replaced all the conversations I needed to have, with watered down, drunken ones. The issue with trying to communicate drunk is, there are no real emotions with the words I remembered, and no comprehension of the words I didn’t remember. Yet it was addicting, not just the alcohol, but the watered down emotions. I say watered down, because I did feel things, but in a “I know there was once iced coffee in this last sip” kind of way.
Watering down life became increasingly consequential, as getting drunk kept moving up on my list of priorities. Even if I would implement rules around when and where I would drink, the times I did, seemed to get out of hand. The problem really came to a head when I went away for military training. I had left with good intentions and multiple rules around my “dranks,” which were all thrown out the window in a matter of 2 weeks into my 12 weeks of training. Self-trust issues coupled with a drinking problem and a shitty marriage are the exact ingredients you need for a bomb. I know, because I wrote the recipe. On the outside it may have looked like I was just having a good time, but on the inside, I was in a full-blown crisis...