Long Term Sobriety can be a bitch
Yes it's true, I am feeling excruciatingly hopeless at 28+ years sobriety. How can that be ? This is NOT supposed to be happening. I've done everything I was supposed to do to stay sober and 'get better'. I've gone to a gazillion meetings in AA and alanon and other fellowships. I've been in and out of therapy for most of that time as well, dated my ass off - mostly appropriately, taken all the creative actions I felt I was lead to take with some success and yet I'm still alone, in a job where I'm mostly invisible most of the time that kills my soul a little more every day, with no man and very little career ambition (why bother?) left to be excited about.
As I clutch onto the metaphorical ledge for dear life, again, I'm brought to these questions: either I'm on the precipice of a brand new great chapter of my life (almost 60 which in Japan is considered one's second childhood) or at the end of a life that feels like I failed in every area but sobriety.
Without going into ALL the details of a sober life filled with a myriad of experiences both good and 'challenging' - fuck you, BAD, in the last 3 years I've encountered obstacle after obstacle and for a number of reasons do not see any good reason to continue on.
At 13 years sober my life fell completely apart in a similar way as it has now. The difference being I was way less conscious as I went through my inheritance waiting for my dream 'writing' job, took care of my mentally ill sister, including protecting her from our narcissistic father and discovering that the 'sober in another fellowship' boyfriend turned out not to be the man I was to spend the rest of my days or bare children with. I really felt no reason to go on, except having another sister I loved dearly and my cats. So I got on my knees, screamed at God/HP a lot and blatantly yelled out, "You HAVE to give me a reason to be here, because I'm FUCKING done and I'm don't want to live if this is it."
At about that exact moment, I got a call from a temp agency I had long forgotten about and was interviewed for a four month gig as a temp which I got. I also moved out of an illegal sublet in NYC to Brooklyn, where my other sister was and began a new life, learning new values, meeting new people, exploring new activities and career opportunities that kept me in decent stead until now.
Sober softball, sober poker (is there such a thing? yes there is), creating a public access talk show, booking a NY commercial (finally), co-hosting the 2nd Annual Brooklyn Public Access Awards and some more dating ensued over the next 13 years. What also transpired was a series of horrible landlords involving one such incident where I had some friends over on a Saturday afternoon and was told, "you can't make noise, you can only have friends over on your birthday and the holidays," which lead to a move, which lead to another move due to an enormous rent increase because I was in a coop rental which lead to another move which involved the worst LL yet and a gas leak and disputing my abatement attempt landing me in LL/tenant court where I won (100 unpaid violations on that building 'they' owned alone) which lead to bedbugs and moving in with my dad for 6 weeks in NYC and uncovering other issues we still had, and identity theft and then another move back to Brooklyn for a year where at the end of that year they decided not to renew my lease for a reason they have yet to tell me which is illegal (I know, I work for lawyers) and living month to month which is fine with me even though this management company is trying to charge me more and wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do to feel even a little fulfilled with the rest of my life.
This job is killing me, I really want a mate and I have to believe there is a group of 'creatives' like myself that I could jive with on a grander scale where I do not do all the 'work'. I could move to Sacramento and live with my sister and my awesome nephew, but I'm terrified my life won't be much different there. What do I do now ? All I can think to do is continue what I'm doing and get back on my knees and yell some more at God/HP until the answer of what to do next comes, because as I said and felt at 13 years sober, this is NOT enough, not ok and I did NOT get sober and do all that work on my self (inside job stuff) to live a life of quiet desperation.
They say the truth shall set me free. Well, for today, this IS my truth. Amen.
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