I'm FINE (Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional)

By UnknownZone 02/27/18
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One of the most difficult things in sobriety for me has been to admit when I say I'm FINE, I'm actually not and instead tell the truth about where I'm at emotionally and mentally that is causing me to claim I'm FINE (which if you take literally means 'o.k.' which really means the exact opposite).

In my experience, and I'm not a therapist or social worker, just a recovering multi-addicted addict/alcoholic and severe codependent, asking for help is not one of my top priorities. I usually ask for help right before or during a 'melt down' when I can no longer hide how I'm really feeling, trying to accept a situation that is no longer acceptable to me, when the gratitude list has gone to shit and I feel and think I'm either going to have a nervous breakdown, or want to drink or drug or the ultimate painkiller, considering suicide. Even after all these years sober and full of Alanon and multiple therapies, I still ask for help when I'm in what feels like dire emotional pain as a last resort.

I love when peeps say, 'just do another 4th step', which I want to respond to in the nastiest most vile way possible, STFU, are you F*#king kidding me? Can't you see I'm barely functioning here ? That's why I go to Alanon and stay away from hardcore AA people (mostly men-sorry guys), because I'm terrified of people in AA who do not do any other work on themselves besides the steps. Sometimes, a lot of the time I need outside help and having chosen being a creative person have the extra burden of a lot of rejection and misunderstanding of what the artist's life is as well and just doing a friggin' 4th step most often just isn't enough. (See how angry just the thought of that as the answer to my FINE feelings are?)

So how do I avoid getting to FINE ? I really don't know. For me, as a recovering control freak admitting I don't know something is wonderful. I do know I eventually go where it's warm which means to people that get me, understand me (or at least pretend too) and do not judge me when I'm in severe emotional turmoil.

Believe me, I get it, wanting to fix someone in unbelievable pain. It's so easy to tell someone, 'just do this' and you'll be all better, but sometimes what I've learned is to just listen and empathize because in the end don't we all just want to be seen and heard ?

Having just gotten through another "FINE" episode myself, I am truly grateful for the people (men and women, yes) who stood by me and noticed how angry I am at my current situation without an iota of judgement whatsoever.

AA is and has been changing over the last 40+ years (Thank HP) and in my opine it is and needs to continue to be open to accommodating all people with all sorts of issues, illnesses and to many types of solutions to the problems of the addict / alcoholic. We are after all human beings after all and we have the right as such to experience all our feelings (don't we have to?), maybe we don't need to be fixed or told that we can't afford to be angry (Anger has always been my friend to let me know something or someone is wrong in my world and needs to be looked out, NOT acted out, but looked at and expressed/channeled in an appropriate way) but understood and embraced with any sort of therapy, remedy, retreat and recovery solution that works for us for today.

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