I don’t want my nightmares anymore, you take them.

By francesca 09/25/18

We have been broken up for 8 years now, but the thoughts of us haunt me. Thinking of you I can taste sour. Remembering the bitterness, like a lemon rotting in the sun. It sends a shiver down my spine. I cringe each time a memory flashes. Like lightning during a storm, a nightmare appears, and in an instant, gone. Leaving me alone with images of the events I used you to forget. Each time with you, I made a bad decision. The more of you, the worse the decisions got. I’ve done my best to ignore the pain you have caused, but still, the ghost of who I was is lurking in the shadows. To heal I must rid myself of the memories. You take them. Let them haunt you now.

I was 14, it was 2003. My friends and I were on our way to a house party, Xanax was the new drug of choice. It was the first time we met. Little did I know that ½ of a pill would change my life forever. As soon as you entered my bloodstream it was over. We spent the next seven years together. Little did I know I could fall in love with the feeling of not feeling anything at all. What you gave me was intangible. I couldn't hold onto you. I couldn't describe what you did for me. But the way you didn’t let me feel, was everything I was searching for. I was shy, you pulled me out of that and put me centre fucking stage. I would do anything with you, literally. You led me to the worst fucking decisions anyone could make. School? You made me hate it. My boyfriend? You made me cheat on him. You made me fucking destroy him. You took all my dreams for the future away. The only goal I had was to spend every waking moment with you. You were so fucking selfish. Taking all my money, my time, my identity. One at a time you handed me the knife and I backstabbed them all, everyone, I knew. You gave me a match and I burned every bridge in my path.

Remember the nights you convinced me I had to take more, that I needed to take more to feel you more intensely. Those were the nights you made me steal. The nights I fell through the glass, the nights I had seizures. The nights I got into cars with strangers. Strangers who had shotguns in the backseat. Those were the nights you fucking got me raped. You made me sound frantic and insane, no one believes me. I was just the girl addicted to you - I probably wanted it they said. But you knew I only wanted you - and you couldn't defend me. Still, I took more. Those were the nights you left me for fucking dead. To crawl back on my hands and knees begging to come home. Those were the nights you did me so dirty I can barely think about it.

I will always want the thoughts out of my head, but now, I am strong enough to know you only make things worse. I think about you all the time, but honestly, fuck you.

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