I didn't know I'd get a time limit to grieve when heroin took his life...
I didn't know I'd get a time limit to.
grieve when heroin took his life...
“You look so sad, all the time” a friend said. "Stop being so depressed, it's been 6 months.“ As I fought back the tears, I quietly thought to myself, "Are you kidding me right now?" June 3rd will be only 6 months since my fiance Ryan died from a heroin overdose we believed was laced with the deadly substance Fentanyl. “Are you going to go to the cemetery every Sunday for the rest of your life?” “Aren't you ready to move on, it’s been 6 months?” These are some of the insensitive questions I have heard after losing my fiance, which reflects the myth that there is a specific amount of time to grieve and mend a broken heart. Those who have not lost a piece of their heart expect you to be back to “normal” within a few weeks or months. How does one expect that to happen?
Every type of loss is different, losing my significant other was unlike any other loss I’ve ever experienced. Losing him to addiction, is devastating, but knowing his death was caused by the selfishness of someone who didn't think it was wrong to lace the heroin with fentanyl, a lethal substance. For that, there just isn’t any words.
When your significant other dies, everything about your life changes, the way you think, feel, sleep, do laundry, grocery shop, cook dinner, daily routines and activities, your circle of friends. EVERYTHING literally changes in the blink of an eye and will never again be the same. How could it be? This was the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with, my best friend, we knew each others secrets, held the keys to one another’s hearts. Close your eyes, and just imagine life without your spouse, horrifying isn’t it? Try living it, it's painful, and that's an understatement. I don't ask for pity and I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but grieving this loss, well, the amount of time it will take is not set in stone.
The first few weeks after Ryan died, there was so much hype happening with making funeral arrangements, responding to the endless messages and calls, along with visits from concerned friends and family wanting to make sure I was ok, offering their condolences. You are numb and exhausted, that your brain can’t even begin to process what really just happened. You live in a constant fog.
But once the funeral is over, and he is layed to rest, the hype slowly fades as life goes back to normal for the rest of the world, and you sit there with your mind spinning wondering ,”what am I going to do without him, this pain is devastating.” Trying to convince yourself that he's in a better place but your heart says it's bologna, he should still be here with you.
My life will never be the same.. My head trys to comfort my heart with knowing he got to spend the rest of his life with me, but my hearts breaks knowing that I no longer get to spend the rest of mine with him.
How do I even begin to grieve? Do I follow the 5 written stages? What happens if I dont go through them in order? So I go to grief counseling and friends and family encourage you to stay busy with different activities. Others want you to suppress your sorrows due to their own discomfort surrounding the loss and heartbreak. They aren’t sure how to help you and don’t like to see you in pain or don’t like to feel their own uncomfortable feelings. So “speed up” or “hurry up” with your grief is what is asked of you. You heed to this because you arent sure what else you can do. Grief counseling is a waste of time, it still hurts. I wake up each morning, put the broken pieces of my heart aside, smile the fake smile, God forbid I let anyone see how truly devastated and traumatizing this really has been for me. I’m a mom, mom’s are supposed to be strong for their kids, which gives reason for that fake smile.
But what I have come to realize is that by distancing myself from my pain, I am just prolonging my pain, which will then just carry the pain further into life. What you resist, persists. I’m learning that it’s ok to not be ok.
We each have our own unique way of dealing with pain and sorrow depending on the situation. I can’t predict on how long my pain from this devastating loss will last. I wish there was a quick fix but there isn’t. In order for your heart to heal you have to feel your feelings. They aren’t going away on their own, so I have to give myself permission to grieve and you should too. But I have to do it in my own way, not how someone tells me. I’m treading through an unknown territory of feelings and emotions. The journey through heartbreak is not a sprint, it’s a marathon so you need to give yourself enough time and freedom without resisting.
Many people expect me to be the same after my heartbreaking loss, but really they shouldn’t. Everything about life changes, as with any type of loss, but these changes to me are different. I know that I still have to go on with life even though he is gone. Because I still have my hopes and dreams waiting to be fulfilled. But that doesn’t mean I will ever stop grieving.
Grieving doesn’t happen in order of the 5 stages like we all originally thought. So as I’m going through my denial, sadness and anger and any other maze of emotion, I’m hoping you will understand that when I stood there holding his hand and watched as he took his last breath and his heart one last beat, my life became forever changed and will never be the same again.
P.S. To my love in heaven, I look ahead, but can’t move on, I look back but I can’t stay, I keep trying to be strong but there’s pain, it won’t go away. I hope this will heal in time, because I can’t go on like this, Right now I’d give my life for one last kiss.. Rest in peace Ryan Colt, I will love you always N 4-ever..
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