Heartache in Sobriety
To set the mood I'm writing this while listening to the Life Sucks playlist on Spotify. Because why not just let it all out on paper while tears roll down my cheeks.
Let me just preface this by saying your first heart break while being sober is a whole different level. I mean what do your girl or guy friends make you do to feel better after a break up? Drink! They bring you bottles of booze and food to numb the emptiness that is inside. You laugh, dance, try to find some hot guy to fuck at a bar, and then wake up in the morning (hopefully with a hot guy in your bed), and a wicked hangover. But you know what else you wake up with? Still that broken heart. The pain and sadness doesn't go away just because you drank the night away. If anything you just keep prolonging the inevitable.
Everyone that's in recovery for a while says don't date in the first year of sobriety. Oh and even my therapist told me that. But did I listen to their wise words and past experiences? Nope! I'm stubborn and a glutton for punishment. So around the ninth month of sobriety I started talking to a guy from Instagram. Yes, red flag number one. I won't go into too much detail of our relationship. (Sorry to disappoint to those looking for some drama.) But I will say he was living in Oklahoma when we first started talking then ended up in Florida a few weeks after that. Another red flag? Maybe.
Anyways, I hadn't felt this way about someone for quite some time. He listened, his actions spoke louder than his words, he gave me advice, and most importantly he admired my sobriety and had my back 100%. So after all the FaceTimes, phone calls, and texts we decided that he would come here in November for 10 days so he could be here to celebrate my year of sobriety. Pretty big deal that out of all the people in my life I wanted to spend that special day with him.
Well he came for 10 days and it couldn't have been more perfect except for one crazy girl episode by me, but we all have them so it is what it is. He met my son and we did Math Night with Ben at his school, his soccer award ceremony, a UConn hockey game, and just acting like a family. I know I'm going to get a lot of critics saying why get your son involved that early on. I didn't think anything of it because we were so in love that I thought it was forever. (Gag me. That sounds so cheesy just even writing that.) I was planning to move to Florida for fucks sake.
I kissed him goodbye that Sunday so he could drive back to Florida, and that was the last time I saw his face. He got back to Florida and broke up with me two days later. I was in total shock. After all we had done, after all the promises, and after meeting my son he said he didn't want to be tied down. He hung up on me and then the meltdown came.
I didn't know whether to cry, scream, drive to the liquor store or make an 18 hour drive to Florida. Flashbacks of going to one of my ex's houses and banging down the front door a few years prior. But that's for another day. Out of those options I took the most sane one and cried into my pillow until I could barely breathe with snot coming out of my nose, but I didn't get in my car. I knew once I got in the car it would be game over. Within 5 minutes I would've been chugging wine in a parking lot. Instead I let myself feel the hurt, betrayal, and loneliness. I rationalized to myself and thought about all the times I had a fight with an ex or a break up and I woke up even worse after a night of drinking. It didn't solve the problem. And not to mention I probably would've sent way more crazy texts if I was drunk. Then I thought of Ben. He needed me and I couldn't go down that path again.
This happened a year after getting sober and now I know why you shouldn't get into a relationship in your first year. I'm so thankful I had the support network and tools already in place. If this happened earlier than a year I don't know what I would've done. A break up is a major life change and society tells us the way to get through these changes is alcohol. It's not. Feel those fucking feelings. Let it out, talk about it, and then with time it gets better. Some days it still stings a little because I ask myself how I could even let myself get into a relationship like that with so many red flags. I was lonely and he gave me that security. I thought he was saving me, but in reality he almost broke me. The key word is ALMOST.
I will never let a guy have that power over me. I have to put myself and my son first, not some guy who turned out to be the biggest liar and asshole out there. How could he play with someone's feelings like that especially so early in sobriety? I have no idea what the answer to that is. But I do know people come into our lives to teach us lessons whether good or bad. My heart is guarded, I trust less, and I don't believe anyone on Instagram. Well except a select few who are probably reading this because they actually want to learn snippets about my past and remember all this playing out 7 months ago.
I admit that I really hate being alone, but I'd rather have that than someone who doesn't know what they want or just uses you. Dating in sobriety is another blog post just in itself so I'll save that for another day. And if for some reason you're reading this Thomas - thank you for showing me that I've had the strength all along. I just never realized it. And all of you reading this have that strength too. Dig deep, be patient, and you'll make it through for the one who deserves you.
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