Going through my crap in my sober life and having a happy meal!
I was sitting with my sponsor recently about what I’m going through on a hour by hour basis and how I’m spending my time with others, myself, God and what I’m eating. I’m not eating much and when I do eat, its sugar or starch, so that’s so not healthy! I did tell her I sometimes go to McDonald’s for a kid’s happy meal. I’m craving that cheeseburger and fries, and there’s not a huge amount of calories (compared to a real meal at McD’s) and I get a free toy! What else could I possibly need?
I’m in a place of complete surrender right now with God and my sobriety. I feel like a newcomer and it’s been quite uncomfortable. I was feeling like I did when I walked into the rooms, self-conscious, sad, confused and in a lot of despair. But the flip side to this, is that it didn’t last. I do have the tools today to get through hard things in life, I just didn’t want to use them. I thought I knew what’s best for me, and in reality the only one who knows what is best for me is God, no one else.
I just finished writing a letter to God recently about why I’m so angry with him. I needed a scapegoat for the anger and sadness I have in my heart today. I’m going through a rough time with my spouse and a challenging family situation and the thing I need the most is God right now, not anger. But my human spirit has a way of internalizing sadness and pushing others away. I want to be alone and I don’t want anyone to help me. Self-reliance has failed me. All these feelings came about because I am not getting what I want. Plain and simple. My head tells me that I feel pped about that. I’ve been sober for over a decade, I’ve done all the steps, I do all the prayer and meditation I can and I have been of service, a good solider in the program. So my head is telling me why did I go through all of this “work” on myself to have to be in this place, again? It’s life – plain and simple. It doesn’t have to do with God, or AA, or the steps or anything like that. All of those amazing spiritual things are still there and they still work for me – If I allow them in. I’ve been edging god out (EGO) in my life recently and it’s not serving me well.
After I wrote this anger letter to God, I felt better. I felt a weight was lifted and today I’m in such a better place. I’ve moved into acceptance and that is comforting to me and I am feeling, dare I say, almost content? Well, that may be a stretch for today. Needless to say my sponsor and other women I go to have been the biggest support to me during this time and have helped me even when I didn’t ask for it. They just show up. Why would I not accept this help? I’m not fighting anymore and moving into this place of “being” is right where I should be. I had to go through the last few weeks of anger, sadness, selfish thinking, being ego minded and closed off to be where I am today.
Nancy Carr is a writer and sober blogger whose work has appeared on numerous recovery and addiction websites and blogs. She has a blog http://lastcallblog.me/ as well as her own memoir, “Last Call, A Memoir."