The Gift of Sobriety

By Justin England 12/04/18
The Gift of Sobriety

 

'The Gifts of Sobriety'

 

Taken from 'Ramblings of a Recovering Junky'...


Sometimes I get scared, lonely, confused and I have no idea why! I feel I am paddling furiously just to keep afloat. When you get clean you imagine life as having a house with a white picket fence, you and your family smiling and no worries or concerns in the world whatsoever, it's all good in the hood! But that isn’t true, you were a Dope Fiend! Which means you didn’t pay numerous bills and you have a serious amount of catching up to do. You have to work to get back to being you. But when you finally do get in line and start catching up on bills, focusing on your career to make sure your family get the life they deserve with the partner/father that is back from his 'little' set back. Although life is absolutely, no doubt about it, terrifying, it is so worth it. It's all about the little things...

I now go to work and make sure my sites (Construction Sites) are running smoothly and kept to schedule. Materials, moneys, labour and sub-contractors are doing what they are meant to be doing and then I’ll do my rounds which is just me driving to each site looking at progress, if there are any issues, I take note and talk the guys into a solution so that the issue is no more! But there are days where I feel lost… How do people do this? Daily; just live normal!? Well, they too have good days and bad days, but my good days and bad days are manic! Good is extremely happy, bouncing off the walls and everyone must be in the same mindset and if I am having a bad day, don’t fucking talk to me. This was all explained to me by my Doctor, that the average person will wake up be a little grumpy have a coffee or a tea then they’re good to go. If they hit a speed bump during the day, they’ll be a little bummed out, then get over it. Me… Because I have self-medicated to feel how I tell myself to feel and now all my Serotonin and Dopamine is leveling itself back out, so I will be really pissed off if something doesn’t go right or extremely happy if I am in a good mood. The Nurse from the clinic thinks I am on the spectrum, possibly ADHD, and may have a bit of Mania. No shit! But the truth is, since getting clean I drink or rather, consume, caffeine like there’s no tomorrow! Love it! But, have now slowed up on it because it does cause ‘Caffeine Crashes’ so all morning it’ll be ‘GULP, GULP, GULP’ and then come afternoon I feel a nod.

Since I have slowed up on the coffee everything has been better. I sometimes even wait to have my first coffee just, so I feel it, like a hit! Which I really need to not do for obvious reasons, the addict in me is still there just craving a chemical of some kind to help me be… me. Only, it isn’t me! It’s the former shadow self, the Ex-Junkie. But I am now at a part in my Sobriety where I don’t want anything to help if I am having a shit day, if I am having a said kind of day, I just do what ‘normies’ do… I get on with it!

So, when people would say to me, early on, that ‘it’s a gift’ I’d just huff at them, like they were preaching to me. But I now know what they mean. It is a gift. You get to see life through the eyes of you! You are back to reality or, you’ve come screeching into reality and channeled back in to the mind set of those aliens you’d encounter on the street in your ‘Drug Induced Stupor’. You spend time with your family and not worry about getting sick. You work and progress in work which gives you a high like no other. You pay bills or get stuck paying bills but, you acknowledge them! There’s so much about Sobriety that you just… You’ve got to experience it for yourself! I will come back to my recovery, but I wanted to write about ‘The Gift of…’ because like I said, I first thought what a load of old shit! But it turns out, its true! It is a gift that you have given yourself, you have overcome addiction and that is also a gift. You’ve conquered the demon and will continue to fight it but over time it becomes a smaller and smaller demon. More like a little gremlin that pops up but you can just, kick it to the curb because 'you got this, Justin!'

Christ, I sound like an asshole…

In the first, I think it was 6 months, of my recovery I was in the office jotting down some ramblings into a journal and looked up to my screen went online and discovered something I hadn’t even acknowledged or knew about. Danny Boyle had made a sequel to Trainspotting! The trailer was up, and I watched that trailer at least twenty times that day. I was so excited I showed everyone at work who by the way, could not have given a single fuck, but they still watched because the energy I was giving was intoxicating! ‘Hello Mark. What you been up to? For twenty years…’ “Holy shit! They’ve made a sequel! It looks insane!!” There was a line from the trailer, or rather the speech but there was something that really stood out to me and I wrote it down and kept it in my pocket, it stuck to me like glue. It was the ‘Choose Life’ speech, just re-jigged, and they mastered it! I’ll cut down to the quote that stuck to me and stayed on my brain."You're an Addict! So be addicted, just be addicted to something else. Choose the ones you love, choose your future. Choose life!" That was it! That was my quote, that was what I needed to hear! Jesus, how exciting! I couldn’t wait to watch the film, when I did watch it, I just couldn’t get enough. It was as if it was made for me! Which sounds seriously ‘ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!!’ But it was! ‘What happens in sobriety down the line?’ The stories and writing, everything! I loved it so much I contacted John Hodge, the screenwriter, with the title page from the ‘Sick Boy’ draft of the original to sign it. He wrote me back! A couple of weeks later I got home and there was a package for me, more bills I bet. Opening the package, genuinely expecting some bullshit bill, I saw a copy of the T2: Trainspotting Script, which I might add was not yet for sale, and in it, John Hodge had signed it; ‘To Justin, wishing you all the best for the future. John.’ Signed and Dated 9th Feb 2017… He’d also signed the Draft title page of the original film and written the’ You’re and addict…’ quote! That literally gave me such a high I was up most the night staring at it, reading it repeatedly. I’ve read the script so many times I have it memorised. I was also happy to see that there were parts that were not in the final film, it was just something else! This is the gift of sobriety, along with watching your daughter grow up into a beautiful little (sometimes nightmare) girl, spending and treasuring all the free time you get with the woman who stuck by you through your worst and so on so forth. Those little battles you win, the little memories that are actually huge, they are what make sobriety a gift. I had done the whole 'Junky' thing, chase and chase until I got what I wanted and in return I got something much better than any high I'd felt through Opiates and Stimulants... It was an amazing feeling.

Until next time...

@JustinEngland8

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