Dopey Tales: Roadside Deals & Guilt...
I met Rosa (Heroin & Crack Dealer) along the sea front just outside of town, by the beach huts. She walks from a Vauxhall Tigra which I try not to laugh too much at. She staggers to the van and jumps in from the passenger’s side. “You look well, how you been?” I smile and … “Not too bad thanks. Three yeah? Also, the £15 I owe you from months back!” She pulls out a handful of Coffee & Sugar and pulls three coffees out for me. We exchange goodbyes and I pull out of my space, hunting the next lay by to have my hit. (Now, these words are like daggers as I write but I do have to get one thing clear. Now I know this doesn’t make my addiction right but I never, ever! Shot dope or shot anything for that matter, I smoked or snorted.) Which doesn’t make it right or justifiable, I know, but it is just out of question. Once, to me anyway, you go down that route you may as well pack your bags and just await deaths sweet release.
As I find somewhere I get from the dashboard my ‘Architects Handbook 4th Edition’ and put it on my lap. My hands are shaking as I get my coffee out. I pour the contents onto the book and manage to stop the shaking enough to crush and rack up. Bish, Bash & Bosh, it is up my nose and I indicate to pull out and I head to ‘Ye Old Chestnut’ (A Pub in which a dealer worked out from, yes, changed names of course. Wouldn’t want to upset people now would I!). The ‘Chestnut’ is a pub which is on my travel back home, it is also the ‘Cocaine Chemist’, Mel. She is too soft as she is always letting me Tic, which will later come to haunt me. I pull into the car park at the Walnut and wait. Mel, 4ft nothing blonde bird comes waltzing out of the pub and jumps into the van with me. I give her some bullshit about money, give her what I owe and ask for two more. Of course, she agrees and she jumps out and goes back to work.
I want to wait for the nose bag because it is the end of the day and I should start to wind down as opposed to getting pumped up. No one in the history of man has ever ‘pumped up’ for bed so why… Too late.
“Who am I? What have I become!?”
I now have what I want. But it isn’t what I want at all, it is FAR from what I want. What I really, truly want is to be ‘normal’. I don’t want to have to feel this craving, that intense craving for something bigger than I. Something that makes me a ‘better’ person. It obviously doesn’t make me a better person because I can see it happening, everything around me is falling apart and only I have the power to stop it but, I don’t. I can’t. I need the coffee so I am not sick, I need the nose bag so I don’t walk around like a zombie. This moment in time is the worst part of my addiction. I am speedballing. All day, every day and this happened for a week or two, before I came out and told everyone. The heroin was there because some fucking idiot had Oxycontin, a lot of them! So, I, having ‘knee trouble’, grab them. I get hooked and there is nothing you can do to substitute for Oxys. Except one thing. Heroin. So, when this genius runs out of Oxy I am sick. REALLY sick and had only one option, Heroin. Oxycontin is not around in the U.K. It is a US drug which just shouldn’t be prescribed, manufactured or anything. The poppy should just grow and die. LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE! Because people like me, Opium is the Femme Fatale to the P.I. in all Film Noir flicks. She takes you to heaven, giving you everything you want and more, and then, like a giant bitch, chews you up and spits youout, leaving you cold, alone and ready for deaths sweet release. Because in those moments when Withdrawal is JUST about to take you, that is the scariest part of Detox, that is why people will die with this fucker of a drug by their side. There is nothing quite like the pain of Heroin Withdrawal, you will do anything to avoid it.
I do not miss this at all, not one iota, I now have 3 years and nearly 2 weeks clean and reading the above, that I had written quite a while back and it just turns my stomach. The lifestyle or rather existence is something I do not miss. Meeting up with people you only thought existed on TV or Film, becoming 'friendly' with them to get what you need. Them having your life in the palm of their hands is again just mind boggling. I find it fascinating how the mind works in Active Addiction, the art of manipulation and squeezing everything you can out of everyone you love... Just insane. Reading the above from when I wrote it quite some time ago is quite an odd experience because my thinking now as opposed to early recovery is completely different. But for now, that's me done. Until the next one...
Stay Strong & Toodles!