Burning Desire 2

By levi jones 02/05/18

OK. So. I'm a drunk. A real alcoholic as described in There Is a Solution. And I got to that jumping-off point. AGAIN. And not my first again. But anyway. I bounced and moved and did the geographic and landed and crashed and burned and did it again. And againandagainandagainaindagain.

So after a sevendaystayinahotelwhichinvolvedrapeandpoliceandemergencyroomsandforeignobjectsandbruisesandpainanadpainanadmorepain, I ended up at Mom's house for a little regrouping. I went to a meeting. I went to another. I found one close to home that met in the morning, and there was this man with these blue eyes and just enough danger and he was the first person to say hello. "I can tell by your eyes you have a beautiful smile." And me, banged up, hurt, lost, never good enough, never anything enough, I was hooked. So we spent some time together, I cleaned his house and slept with him. We went out on the boat and I slept with him. He came over for dinner and I slept with him. We went out to dinner and I slept with him. I slept with him. A Lot.

But we talked and talked and he listened and I felt safe telling him all my shit, all my stories. As a city girl who bounced around and was now in this little beach town, I already felt a little removed, and God Forbid anyone know what happened before I got here. But he didn't judge. And he gave me orgasms. And it was good and weird and my sick healing little brain and heart were sunk. I had a job, I found my own place, I went to lots and lots of meetings.

And then one morning while I was talking to a mutual friend, he said "so yeah, John and his girlfriend stopped by-" and my heart just split. Early November, four months into what I thought was a romantic little private thing. Kaboom, blast, splat. It was a Saturday afternoon and my schedule was not that tight. And I had the whole day. And I was mad. Hurt. Blindsided. A few hours later I was furiously pedaling my bike to his house, drunk. Again. And there started a run that ended in a four day ordeal of hallucinations and sweat.

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