Bigger Than Self

By dcallner 03/23/20
A Moment of Understanding

I was in and out of recovery for 4-5 years before the day I had a profound spiritual experience.  I had worked good 12-step programs, bad programs, sponsored, relapsed, been a go-to speaker, begged to speak, really had worked the full cycle countless times.  However, the true spiritual experiences I felt were short brief and often left me wondering "was that even one?".  It was obvious to me that I saw spiritual acts through others, heard God speak through them, and sometimes even saw an illuminating glow from their ora.  These experiences, magical as they were, were initial blessings of recovery, that intune depth of observation would never of been possible for myself while using drugs.  

However I wanted and urned over the years for the spiritual experience people glorrified, a "white light experience", boddy trembeling, tears pouring, a true sexy one.  It just never came.  I started to wonder over the years if I had done something to my emotional processing while using copious amounts of drugs over the years.

Why could every one else feel this, but me?

I heard it would come after a 5th step,  then after step 9, and then only to hear it promised when you get to step 12.  In and out of the program, I would work all these steps, feel nothing but slight moments of something greater,  then on routine to self sabatoge my progress and eventually to relapse.

However, I got to experience something that shifted my view of self 2 years ago.  I whitnessed a complete lunar eclipse. At the time, I could of cared less, science has never been an exact intrest of mine to say the least.  But what happened in that moment where the moon covered the sun was magical, borderline out of body.  And it was even more powerful experiencing this sober.  I saw life completley stop for around 45-60 seconds. Dead stop.  The sky turned black and a flock of birds stoped flying, an abulance in the distance went silent, cars stopped rolling, I saw something bigger.  

I was left with something no amount of money could ever buy.  I earned a sense of how small I truly am.  I got a glimpse of how large and in control God truly is.  Thats was paramount for my recovery.  Years and years of developing self survival brain patterns in addiction, left me with an overdeveloped sense of self in recovery.  Yes I had learned to label this and learned tactics to catch rampid thoughts.  But for me that only has so much of an impact.  I needed to see a moment that would leave me without a doubt, it had to be with my eyes.  I needed to see I was a mear spek of sand, and God had complete control of anything and everything on earth.  

I believe it was a spiritual experience. I also believe it unlocked new neuro pathways in my brain that have lead me to a deaper understanding.  Maybe I needed something a little more drastic then words in a book.  While in addiction,  I was unsettled unless I had the strongest possible drugs at any given use, nothing less would suffice.  Maybe this had translated into recoervery with me needing a vivid vishual representation of a spiritual experience.  

Since then, I feel I have had many more experiences and at a more frequent rate. I see strong connections through God, nature, animals, and people.  Not drinking and not drugging became less of a exercise I was doing to "stay sober" and more of a greater purpose to align myself spiritualy.  I wanted to experience this more. 

I never wanted to be sober, go to meetings, state I have a disease, help addicts....but I do it daily and religiously because it brings me closer to something bigger.  It brings me out of self.  And that is the high of all high. Its true relief for me.  A true reason I used for so long, amoungst the lifestyle and dependence was I couldnt handle the all day barrage of negative thought.  

Through service, meditation and prayer, the thoughts cease and connection has built.  I have a strong understanding of my higher power.  Im well aware that this relationship is never ending, but I am now along for the ride.  



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