From An Addict’s Mom

By jbwritergirl 10/29/18
You smile and your parched lips crack because you are so fucking thirsty for relief

By
Jacqui Brown

 

i have felt the withering

‘neath the weight of burdens

tossed upon the heap, layer by layer, year after year

 

i have watched each edgy weight

land, cover, try to hide what lies beneath

 

that armor we wear is invisible

 

i witnessed the fissure in my heart expand

as though some strange force was playing a game with it

and i wondered if i still had enough gold

to repair that widening crack

 

did i still have enough time

to reconstruct that thing

that was constantly moving towards failure

like a bridge that no longer lifts

like a dam that refuses to hold water back

 

you keep it hidden by long nights of practice

you keep it hidden because your spirit is still hoping for freedom

you hide your tears only to shed them in the cover of darkness

you smile and your parched lips crack

because you are so fucking thirsty for relief

because you know death can knock on your door

and all of it would be over

 

years of living in fear gather moss just as a stone does

but you force yourself to bear it

because anything short of that leaves you compromised

bloody from the battle

scarred from the blunt force of life pounding away at you

 

this is all because you bore a child who has become lost

in the vastness of fear, chaos, madness, and addiction

that can and often times does lead to their demise

 

but…

 

you hold on because you can’t not

you hold on because the bond of flesh made a promise

to love, to cherish, to protect

to gather, to mend, to pick up and sort out

to stay strong for

to hold hope for

to give love to even when you feel yourself bleeding out

 

you become a Goddam Warrior

a champion for healing

their one and only because they tend towards losing everything else

 

you do it even when you know it might all be in vain

you ride that mother fucking horse into the sunset every day

knowing the moon may never rise again the same way

 

but you do it anyway because there is no other choice

you learn to become strong enough to bear the weight of two souls

caught up in battle, hailing weapons of words upon ears of the deafened

and you find kindness and empathy

and pack away your fear so it can simply pass through you

when worse gets much worse

 

but…

 

you are a Goddam Warrior born from force not choice

and you fight to the death

 

nothing can shut you down

not stigma

not judgment

not whispers behind your back

not friends who walk away in fear

 

nothing can stop the mother of an addict

 

 

except for death

 


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