I Think I Was An Alcoholic Even Before I Had My First Drink

By Brian T. 06/07/16

[Sponsored] I was searching for a peace of mind that I had never had and when I discovered alcohol, I thought I had finally found it.

I Think I Was An Alcoholic Even Before I Had My First Drink

What I have learned since coming in to recovery and Alcoholics Anonymous, is that I believe I was an alcoholic before I ever took my first drink. This may sound like a confusing statement to some, but I had all these “isms” from the time that I was a child. By isms, I mean characteristics and behaviors. The Merriam-Webster’s dictionary definition of ism is: an oppressive and especially discriminatory attitude or belief.

As a young child I felt like I never fit in. I felt like I was different than everyone else. Other kids seemed to be happy and seemed to have good home lives. Being from a broken home, I felt like somehow it was my fault that I didn’t have the typical family like everyone else. Today I don’t blame my alcoholism on that, but at the time all I could do was feel sorry for myself. I felt sad and lonely. This caused me to isolate, because somehow in my mind the loneliness was all that I had.

In my isolation, my solitude, I felt safe. Alone no one could hurt me. My depression and anxiety ruled my life. I needed something to make me feel better. Something to quiet all of the chatter that went on in my mind. But, I didn’t know what. I didn’t feel the love that I wanted, so I would act up, I would act up at home. Because in my warped way of thinking, I thought even if I was getting negative attention at least it was some sort of attention. I became uninterested in school. I would act up there, too. I became the class clown. Other kids would laugh and I finally felt some sort of acceptance. These actions came with circumstances though, which in turn made my depression and despair. My relationship with my family grew more and more distant. My education suffered greatly, resulting in not completing high school.

I felt like I had nothing and I felt like I had nothing to lose. I was getting into a lot of fights, committing crimes and hanging out with the wrong crowd. The problem was, I was getting no relief from my troubled mind. As a young child, I found solace in food. Food gave me comfort. An instant gratification. The real issue was and has been that I have no control. The word moderation is not in my vocabulary. I don’t know when enough is enough.

I started to get into toxic relationships for the need of love and attention. I craved more and more affection and sex was a way for me to get immediate fulfillment for my emotional needs. My needs. My needs were all I ever thought and cared about. The alcoholic trait of complete self-centeredness was alive and well and I had not even had my first drink yet. Along with that came the defects of lying, cheating and stealing. I was searching for a peace of mind that I had never had.

Then when I discovered alcohol, I thought I had found the solution to all of my problems. I put the drink in my body and I felt an instant comfort. I thought here is the answer. My self-talking mind seemed to be calmed down finally. However, the real problem now was when I didn’t have the drink. The emotions and problems came back in an instant. So, in my alcoholic thinking I thought the only logical thing to do was to keep drinking, and to drink more and more. Like it says in Step One of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, glass in hand, I have warped my mind. I can no longer think clearly or rationally.

Now in recovery, I have to realize that alcohol was really not my problem, but my solution. The problem occurs when I do not have it. Now, I have to figure out how to deal with my feelings, emotions and problems without a substance.  What I have learned by living recovery, not just being in recovery is it really is a day-by-day process. Because, I go to bed sober every night and I wake up alcoholic every morning. So, for me I have to trust God, clean house and help others. In other words, be active in my recovery.

Please read our comment policy. - The Fix