Joe Sober’s Guide to the 12 Steps

By Joe Sober 01/22/15

I’m gonna hypnotize you back to joy. 


Hello and welcome into my otherworldly realm! I call this room…the fifth dimension. Yes, it’s one more than the fourth and two more than reality! Are you feeling low, my dear reader? Is your life a mess? Do you feel like you can’t go on?  Good. I’m here to help. Only I can comprehend your lack of morals! Listen to the sound of my voice as I take you deeper and deeper into the following suggestions. Stare into my old timey pocketwatch and relax. Good. Easy does it. Relax. I’m here to help.

God help you if the spell is broken because I’ll just say that you’re in denial.

Hush. That’s it. You are too vulnerable to be making words with your mouth. Let me do your talking for you. First say it….What, you ask? Say that you are an “alcoholic.” Not a big drinker? Ok…Doesn’t matter, that’s irrelevant. How about drugs?  Um… Sex? Food? Ah, food and sex! You like to eat and watch porn? Sometimes too much? Good. Then you qualify. Qualify as what, you ask? Why, as an alcoholic! Hey, where are you going? Get back here. Leave this place and I can only pray for your misery  to get worse!!

Good. That’s a good boy. Think of me as the ultimate authority on all that is right for you and we won’t have any more problems. I may not have any proper credentials, but I have had a spiritual AWAKENING! It’s not just me speaking here, but He is also in the room! Who's He? God! Now, admit that you are an alcoholic!

That’s it. Oh, yes. He loves you for saying that. I love you for saying it. After all this time, a great weight has been given over to the Almighty and He has heard you. He is whispering something in my ear now. Oh my. This is very disturbing. Let me put this delicately. He says you are insane. Only a power greater then you can restore you to sanity. The good news is that that power is here, my dear friend, it’s in this room. It’s Him and I! The magical mystery of it all! Isn’t it freeing to admit powerlessness? Of course it is.

Now. Turn your life and your will over to the care of God as you understand Him. We both agree that it’s a Him and since I’m here as His representative, why don’t you just turn over the paperwork to me? You brought the documents I suggested? Yes? Good. Which one is the will? Ah. Sign here…here…here and, one more...right here. Good. Now just stay right here while I check the recording device and He takes a pee break.

Ok. You good? Anything I can get you? Don’t worry the will is in my care. Cookie? Coffee? Cigarette? You should probably have a cigarette cause this next part is gonna get a little rough. Ready? I suggest you make a SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY OF YOURSELF!! Yes! Here’s some scrap paper! Here’s some suggested diagrams! Here’s a picture of me lifting weights.

Now admit you are a sinner and confess those sins to me and the God of your understanding, which will be played by me, so we can clear the bookshelf of your mind! Out with the bad, in with the good. A moral purging! It’s the only way you are going to get better! That’s it. Let me put on my Merlin costume. Hold on. Ok! Tell me everything and I’ll tell you your part in it. Just turn a little to the left because you’re out of the light. Atta boy. Tell me all the shitty, nasty things your disease made you do! Especially the sex stuff!! OH YEAH I LOVE IT! I mean you! I love you. Keep going, you did what to whom now?

That was good. Cigarette? Go ahead. Take two. No, I don’t need any cash for the smokes. Your mind is more important than your money.

How you feeling? A little shaky? Ashamed? Suicidal? Like you want a drink perhaps? I’ll bet. Here’s a tissue and cross. Hold on to it for dear life and get on your knees. I’m going to turn the volume up on this Norwegian Death Metal music and cover the blinds. Shut your eyes real tight now. READY?? On my go, beg that cross you clasp in your hands to remove your point-of-view, sense of humor and, especially, any need you may have in the future to kick my ass. GO! I’ll be in the other room ordering a pizza. It’s just you and Him now. Here’s some silly words to say over and over again until I get back. Good luck!

Wow. It’s so much brighter in here since I went out! Feel it? Doesn’t everything look crisper and prettier than before, I assure you your whole perspective has changed. The more I assure you, the more you’ll see I’m right. Want a slice? Go ahead you’ve earned it. I can tell He was in here with you because the delivery boy had an attitude so He wasn’t with me! Laugh, go ahead. It’s good to have a yuck once in a while, but the moment that yuck turns into a guffaw, He’ll hear you and remind you via lightning bolt that your life is a very serious disease. So stop laughing already.

Action! How about we make a list? Sure. Like a “to do” list only it’s a “people you fucked over” list. Same thing. All those names that came up while you were confessing to me and Merlin put them on this legal pad. Good. Now, get ready while I go make a copy.

Ok. When you leave here go to these people’s homes and tell them you have a disease. If they respond positively, make sure to tell them that I sent you, and that you’re working with me, and that they can call me and donate to the Joe Sober Foundation. Or to their local church. Either way a percentage will find its way to my bank account. The only one I wouldn’t approach is that cop back in Wyoming. Yeah. Let’s not do that one.

Almost done. Now, it’s about maintaining the hypnosis. God help you if the spell is broken because I’ll just say that you’re in denial. Why? Don’t ask questions like that. That’s your disease talking. You have to know that. Be aware that when you start thinking that you’re under a spell or that maybe it wasn’t the right thing to surrender your life and your will into my care. Just promptly admit that you don’t know what you’re saying and I’ll forgive you.

Call me every day. If I don’t answer, pray that I call you back, and when we do talk, I’ll tell you how to live the rest of your life. Oh, and write down more sex stuff for me to look at.

Now, go forth and try to quack like a duck.

Joe Sober is a pseudonym for a comedian who really did just celebrate one year of sobriety in New York City AA.

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