Your Life On Fentanyl - Page 2

By Mary Grables 01/23/12

You scoured the Internet searching for a cure for your ailments and ended up licking Fentanyl patches. Are you killing your pain or just creating more?

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The patch of pain (relief) Photo via

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You love them so much, and you love everyone else around you, which is a relatively new feeling. Also, all those old fears about what to do with your life after college are completely gone, because every day not spent throwing up is spent feeling like God is giving you a big warm hug with pillows for arms. Sometimes you will wake up in the middle of the night and realize you haven't taken a breath in awhile. You chew the plastic parts of your patch when they run out of actual gel, because there's a residual high. You also, oddly enough, get really fat.

It will be a couple months down the road, when you are sucking up pieces of dirt from under your bed that sort of resemble chewed-up plastic that might have some juice in them yet, that you realize you are an actual drug addict. Other people do, too. Your friends on heroin hold an intervention for you, because a friend of theirs recently died when his dope was spiked with Fentanyl and he OD'd. That's how bad you are in it. "Kicking the habit" won't be a walk in the park, but it won't be like Trainspotting either: mostly you'll just eat a lot more and not be able to sleep and get really snippy with everyone. A year and a half in AA will convince you that although the 12-step program is a good one, you don't think you have the disease of alcoholism/addiction. You'll find out during that time that you have a talent for writing, mainly because you are bored and itchy. Your life will continue to be marked with little blips of recreational drug use (even a stray Vicodin will pass your lips once a year), but you're pretty sure you'll never find Fentanyl again.

You will no longer search for pain.

Mary Grables is the pseudonym for a writer living in New York City.

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