Joe Sober—Because God

By Joe Sober 10/24/14

I didn't rewrite the Big Book, but that '24 Hours a Day' book needed some of that Joe Sober-power. You're welcome.




We alcoholics cannot be atheists and be sober. The alcoholic that actually drank alcohol must believe in a great, powerful white male with a long flowing beard in order to actually achieve sobriety. Trade in the bottle for a Bible and, only then, will the former drinker begin to care for his spiritual herpes. The fist of an Almighty will come out of the sky and pound some sense into you, if you let Him. Am I allowing the Great Dictator in the sky to punch hard and repeatedly hit me in the head?

It is not until we are naked in the fetal position, drooling on ourselves, trying to eat our own hand, that we can finally understand that God has everything to do with never drinking again.


You can live a new life, but only if you submit blindly to a God as you understand Him, which we all really know is the God of the sky, so stop calling it a freaking doorknob, or whatever, and call it what it is, THE MEAN MOTHERFUCKER IN THE SKY! Your DISEASE is preventing you from seeing that clearly. Any substitution like the “not at all sober—existential freedom” is simply your stinking thinking not seeing the same God I do. C’mon already! The apocalypse is coming, so get connected with Him ASAP, otherwise you will most assuredly be drinking at a dive bar in HELL. You will be damned to an existence of fire and brimstone while reruns of “Who’s the Boss?” plays on a very tiny black and white television, ad infinitum. Scared now? Huh? You should be! Smelly, drunk, sucking on Lucifer’s massive DEVIL COCK! Who’s your God now, bitch? I thought so. So shut up!


I pray that God forgives me for thinking I was being clever by calling Him “The Great Outdoors.” I pray that He will take most of the day tomorrow to listen to my fifth step and be all “I shall remove your defects of character— especially the one where you was all doubtful of My existence. It is because of your lack of faith that I brought Ebola into the great Christian nation that is the US of A. Because of your begging, I shall begin to think about removing it!” I pray that this situation happens so that … I just pray for it, that’s all.




We alcoholics are special people. Yes, retard, special. We drank, not because we loved getting drunk, but because, inside, we knew we were at least, partly, retarded. Of course, I use the definition of retard loosely, as we often—always— use the definition of insane, loosely. None of us in AA actually knows the definition of insane, so why the heck should we bother to look up “retard”? Have I accepted the fact that I am a self-diagnosed insane retard? Do I do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result? Every gosh-darn day!


Being a retard is an advantage for an AA prospect. For only the truly retarded can have the gift of ignorance that God provides. It is not until we are naked in the fetal position, drooling on ourselves, trying to eat our own hand, that we can finally understand that God has everything to do with never drinking again. Screaming, “Help me God!” only to have it sound like, “Help me God!” in a retard voice, sounds better to me and most definitely to Him. My conscious contact with Him is better than yours, which is why He told me to write this, so suck it you haters, SUUUUUUUUCK IT! Especially you, Derrick, from the 4:36pm “Humanist” meeting! You are such a douchebag. And you’re bald.

If a “normie” asks you if you are not drinking because you’re an alcoholic simply say, “No, you sad, creepy little person. I am not drinking because God made me an insane retard.” Although, I must make this very clear, we in AA discourage any and all interaction with “normies." The only people you should have social/prayer time with are the insane and deranged members from your AA Home Group.


I pray that I often get serenity confused with stupidity. I pray that I am filled up by Him with the ultimate understanding that being serene really means being terrified of insanely hot dudes like Joe.




We in AA are happy to hear from doctors, therapists and scientists. After all anyone that thinks they can help us are well intentioned and should not be laughed at or ridiculed until they leave the meeting. We want to present to the outsider a dignified healthy Christian image of ourselves so that we can trick them into thinking they are wrong and we are right. It’s always a good feeling to know that the scientist that offers an alternative to God will leave the rooms wondering about how cool and fashionable we all are. Do I have that feeling of smug superiority that I had when I was drinking? Well, now I don’t drink, but do I have this feeling because AA gave it to me?


God’s juices will only flow through you if you are willing to let them. God has powerful, intoxicating juices and will shoot them straight into your belly if you get on your knees and ask Him. When your belly is full, allow these sticky, syrupy God juices to guide you to progress. When the man with a scientific mind tries to tell you there is no God and that life is meant to be lived compassionately in the here and now, let those juices tickle your belly so as to laugh at him. When laughing at him, do it in a way that makes him know it is not you that’s laughing, but it is in fact God having a chuckle at his expense. Try, like a deep Santa Claus-type laugh, or if you’re a woman try like a Wicked Witch of the West-type laugh—that ought to freak out the scientist guy. If the scientist guy gets freaked out in front of you, try not to gloat. Handle it like God would, by sharing about it at the closest meeting.


I pray that I can be as sober as Joe is. I pray that I may be God’s second best pal because Joe is and always will be his main man. I pray that I may meet Joe one day and give him all my money.

Joe Sober is a pseudonym. He's been sober about nine months now.

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