Most of us, at least those of us who have lived a particular type of lifestyle, have had a drunk in our lives at some point. Maybe the drunk is someone you just saw at a party, maybe it was someone close to you, someone you spend time with—or used to, anyway. Maybe it was you who was a drunk in a past life. Or maybe, just maybe, you are still a drunk now.
When one is drunk and out on the town, they may think that things are going smoothly, that they are being cool, that people at the party or the bar they are at are digging their scene, but the reality is usually quite different. While all drunks think they are being rather original in their antics, the sad truth is that drunks pretty much all act in the same way, with a few variations. Now, I'm not talking about having a couple of glasses of Malbec while you try that new Thai fusion place on the corner, I'm talking about getting straight-up hammered. Which one do you know the best?
The happy drunk is having her best night ever! Oh my God, this is sooo fun! Thank God it's Friday! Where to next? Loves everyone she sees, laughs a lot, and dances whenever possible. Will tell everyone in the room how great they are. Gives great hugs.
Side Effects: Often wakes up without knowing where she is, her wallet stolen by that guy she thought was “great.” Typically spends the next day hungover and extremely depressed.
No matter what happens, to this type of drunk, it's “all good.” He falls down on his way to the bathroom and has a hard time getting up? It’s all good. While taking his eighth shot of the night, he vomits on the front of his shirt? It’s all good. His girlfriend leaves him at the party because he keeps hitting on her best friend? Yep...all good.
Side Effects: High possibility this person will end the night walking down the side of the highway without shoes, slowly realizing that things are not good…at all.
This person is convinced that the guy across the bar is looking at him funny. That person better cut it out. He's also suddenly realized that even though you have been his best friend for 10 years, you don't like him very much. After his tenth beer, he'll often become convinced that his boss “has to die.”
Side effects: Fights strangers because "they are looking at his girl." Fights you because you didn't back him up in fight with strangers. (Bring bail money.)
This drunk quickly becomes totally obsessed with their breakup with their last lover, or in extreme cases, a lover from years past. Will spend the entire night vacillating between crying about how “no one else will ever love me,” and assuring you and everyone else in the room that “no one will ever love her” like her old boyfriend did. Occasional expressions of extreme anger and sobbing in an out-of-control manner.
Side Effects: Will either bore or irritate everyone in the room. Will send drunken text messages, make phone calls, and in extreme instances, show up on the doorstep of past loves yelling, “Baby, I just want to talk, let me in.”
This drunk has no idea why he even bothers. Everything is useless. Why is he even here? He never has a good time anyway. Will often continually apologize for being such a loser. Oh, and also, why don’t you guys hang out much anymore? The maudlin drunk loves you so much, and simply cannot understand why you don’t feel the same way.
Side Effects: This drunk's words soon become a self fulfilling prophecy as everyone around him soon wants to punch him in the face.
The sloppy drunk starts the night off like everyone else, but soon degenerates into a slurring, stumbling mess. Will often insist she is "fine" and can drink more, but usually has to say it numerous times, as no one can understand what she is saying. This drunk will soon pass out, so if she is in a safe place, she can be directed to the nearest chair and be ignored. If she is in an unsafe place, she will need to be brought home quickly before she has to be carried.
Side Effects: Blackouts, waking up in strange beds not remembering anything, wallet stolen by that guy she thought was “great.”
This drunk loves you. She also loves your friends. Will make incessant eye contact with you while smiling broadly. She wants to know why you don’t hang out more because this is so great! OMG! Will often refuse to leave at the end of the night.
Side Effects: Voice will often hurt from talking too much. Face hurts from smiling. Will often find that no one wants to hang out with her anymore.
The sexy drunk totally wants to get it on. They want to have sex and they want it to happen now. Hopefully not with you. This type of drunk will constantly touch you while they talk, grind on you while dancing, and sometimes will attempt to kiss you without provocation.
Side Effects: For males side effects include, being thrown out of bars or parties, being beaten up severely, and possible arrest. For women side effects include being taken up on offer of sex immediately, and waking up in strange beds not remembering anything. Wallet stolen by that guy she thought was “great.”
The broken drunk is always by himself, whether at a party or at a bar. Will sit alone pounding down as much alcohol as he can handle. Some broken drunks want their pain to be noticed and affect an air of ennui, but most wish to be ignored. They usually are until they either fall down, urinate on themselves, or both.
Side Effects: The side effects for the broken drunk are many. They include abject poverty, depression, no life to speak of, and numerous coughing fits.
The snarky drunk spends his entire time at the bar or party giving everyone else a hard time, usually in a condescending manner. Will insult all of your mutual friends that are not in attendance, explain to you that certain mutual acquaintances don’t like you, and insult the appearance of most women in the room. Will often mock you for not having a good enough smartphone.
Side Effects: No short term side effects are known. Long term side effects include eventually turning into the maudlin drunk, then the broken drunk.
The expert drunk will drink throughout the day and evening without any sign of impairment at all. He handles his liquor beautifully and remains a true gentleman, always. Will always be served at a bar even if he has had 15 drinks throughout the day.
Side Effects: Will want to meet you for a drink at 11:30 in the morning. Will drive you home after having had 12 drinks. Will eventually snap, and it won’t be pretty. Don't get too close, as he will be in rehab soon.