US Tells Drunk Diplomats to Sober Up

Apparently all nations are not united on the the issue of boozing during United Nations budget negotiations. At a General Assembly meeting on Monday, US ambassador Joseph Torsella reprimanded his colleagues for drinking during negotiations and proposed measures to make the meetings a soberer affair. “We make the modest proposal that the negotiating rooms should in future be an inebriation-free zone,” said Torsella. “While my government is truly grateful for the strategic opportunities presented by some recent past practices, let's save the champagne for toasting the successful end of the session, and do some credit to the Fifth Committee's reputation in the process.” Reportedly, this has been an ongoing problem. "There has always been a good and responsible tradition of a bit of alcohol improving a negotiation," says an unnamed delegate, "but we're not talking about a delegate having a nip at the bar." Another source reports that some delegates show up "falling down drunk," and another recalls: "on one occasion the note-taker who was meant to be recording the talks was so intoxicated he had to be replaced." US officials have clarified that they're not calling for a ban on alcohol entirely, but simply asking for delegates to refrain from showing up hammered.