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Texas Band Seeks Functioning Alcoholic

The ability to remain upright for up to two hours at a stretch trumps musicianship in this search for a new bassist.

Image: 

A propensity to set one's instrument on fire
presumably falls under the "non-functioning"
class of drunk. Photo via

By Hunter R. Slaton

07/06/12

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Take note, drunks with dreams of country-music stardom, or at least vague participation. Earlier this week, a hilarious want ad appeared on Craigslist’s Austin edition: “Texas Country Band Seeks Functioning Alcoholic to Hold Bass.” The outfit is “an established Texas Country band” that's been playing together for about five years, released two albums and even had a couple of singles make the Lone Star State charts. “We play primarily around Texas, a few out of state runs every few months,” the post reads.

Sounds fun, no? But the band is dead-serious about what they need for their potential bass-holder to be able to do (or not do, as the case may be): “Your responsibilities would be: you stand on stage with a bass. You don't fall over. After the show, you don't vomit in the van. On the night of a typical show, you are not in prison, and thus able to stand on stage and hold a bass.” You really don’t even have to be able to play notes, as the band reasons, “We think it unwise to present the distraction of playing music to one who ought to be focusing on his core competency; i.e., standing on stage holding a bass, without falling over.”

The band didn't immediately reply to The Fix’s request for comment, but evidently they've had some inquiries about whether or not there’s any wiggle room RE: the “functioning” part of the alcoholic bass-holder job description. (Sadly for all you fall-down, non-functioning drunks out there, there’s not.) The post concludes, “In this context, ‘functioning’ means: A) you have two hands; and B) you can remain vertical for 90 minutes on a typical Thursday, Friday, or Saturday evening, sometimes as few as 45 minutes, occasionally as long as 120 minutes; so, after some consideration, we're going to have to say that, no, we are going to have to remain firm on the ‘functioning’ aspect of ‘functioning alcoholic.’ Apologies.”

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