Joe Sober—I AM GOD (as you understand Him)
The continuing adventures of Joe Sober . . . in Malibu.
Shazam! I’m in Malibu and the 'bu is like gravy only without all the lumps and goopy drippy stuff. It’s like heaven only better because there are sober movie stars here! I have met so many people in the industry that my higher power wants me to be in that it’s all awesome all the time. It’s like a pink cloud every day that I hope never goes away because the pink cloud is something true alcoholics like moi can’t trust and know very well that if life is good then that always means it’s only a matter of time before it’s all going to really suck. I should probably do some intensive step work so I can figure out what my part is in it being so good out here and then what my part is in it when it’s going to suck, but I just bought some Ralph Lauren summer knee length chinos and some OluKai ‘Huakai’ Flip Flops with the poet’s father’s money so I’m pretty busy.
Actors make great sponsees, they actually feel grateful to clean my garage. The world most definitely needs more of them!!!!!
It’s been seven months since I’ve been in heaven and all is good until one day BLAMMO! the poet starts questioning the only program of recovery that is the 12-step program! What the??? I never told him about other ways because there are no other ways! I never told him he could start thinking for himself! I do all his thinking for him because I’m his sponsor and therefore my conscious contact with God is way better than his could ever be and therefore He speaks through me and I tell him what to do!! For crying out loud what's so frigging hard about that to understand??? It’s a simple program!!!
So I told him his thinking was all wrong and he was all like blah, blah that’s absurd and then I told him that this was clearly just a resentment and that he was going to drink and therefore die over it if he didn’t get on his knees right now and humbly ask God to remove this character defect and he was all like how is seeing through the bullshit a character defect and then I allowed God’s will to come right through my fist and land repeatedly all over his pretty boy face!!! ‘"This is keeping the both of us sober!” my higher power that I choose to call “The Lockhorns” comic strip, just for today, because it’s a day at a time, bellowed through me as I broke his nose and kept on punching.
BOJANGLES!!! That was a powerful moment! A pivotal moment in the history of sobriety which is only 79 so that’s old but not too old which is cool. I needed to meditate over it and the poet needed an ambulance. I told him it would be way better if he just sobered it out and let the nose and eyes and mouth … pretty much the whole face bone, heal, or not, on its own. I told him that if he took anything for the pain he’d have to start his day count again and I reminded him of how shameful that would be. I told him that I might not be his sponsor anymore. That I might have to “fire” him. But, like the terribly diseased person he is, he was probably pretending to be unconscious. His old lady was all “Get outta here, you creep!” and I was all like “Fine. you’ll see! You left before the miracle! No more will be revealed to you! You alky princess whore whose pussy smells like a dead raccoon that’s buried in a shabby New York City’s apartment’s walls!!! ! NEXT!” My sponsor, Greg, would have loved it! He said the same thing to me when I left a meeting early once to go bury my grandma! Thanks Greg!
Okay, so, I’m not sure if the poet’s old lady drinks because he’s all like private and stuff about his life outside AA. I tried to tell him that his entire life IS AA now and that he must share and confess all the ways he bangs her to me and complete strangers in and around the Southern California area but being so very, very sick he just won’t. I pray intensely hard and fast for him. I can tell you with great self-assurance though, his old lady must have all the isms of an alcoholic. She must if she loves him! She’s got lady part isms, she’s got sometimes can be a nag isms and I’m sure she’s got mother in law isms! I LOVE THAT!!!!! Thank you “The Lockhorns” comic strip! AMEN! Seriously, this is a very serious disease and we are not doctors but I’d be one if I wasn’t fully employed by AA. My paycheck is a $2 dollar donation from 10 to 20 people every day for the rest of their miserable lives. Wack a doo!
Some bro hans I met at a killer meeting in the 'bu that had some serious sobriety, like mine, were doing a play in L.A. so I decided to go check it out. Give the poet and his old lady a few hours to cool down and remind themselves how totally grateful they have to be to know me. Going to plays that are done by people in the only program of recovery that works called AA is a great way to close my eyes and meditate. The whole experience is always so serene that you can pretty much count on nothing interesting or dangerous happening, while the actors say their lines in very reliable and nicely articulated ways. As they moved across the stage with all the grace of a severely retarded gazelle, deeply horrified to make any choices up there because they know out here is filled with the same people that just listened to them talk about how scared they are to be on stage for the first time in four years and how the last time they tried to kill themselves because nobody came so we should all see it … or else. “The Lockhorns” comic strip spoke to me in the most deeply satisfying way ever: “You must keep the poet afraid, my son." Yes, fear is the answer. YES!!!!!!!
I got a lift back to the 'bu from one of the actors. All you gotta do is tell them how great they were and that if male they remind you of a better looking Zach Ephron or if female that they are just like a more talented Jennifer Lawrence then pretend to listen to them as they drone on and on about how they “discovered” that there was actually another person behaving on stage WITH them at the show that you were lucky enough to see, and they’ll do just about anything for you. Actors make great sponsees, they actually feel grateful to clean my garage. The world most definitely needs more of them!!!!!
When I got back to the poet’s place his old lady answered the door. I introduced myself as the man that saved her husband’s life and she laughed. She freaking laughed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then she shut the door in my face!!! She is most definitely suffering from something that I can’t quite put my finger on! I ran next door, grabbed a megaphone, and started reading aloud a section from the Big Book called “To Wives." These are the very helpful words of a gentle faithful loving woman only written by a narcissistic philandering man on how to love your alcoholic husband.
When those powerful verses didn’t seem to have any effect I waited until the middle of the night, put on my Kick Butt Devil Mask that I bought in Hollywood with the poet’s father’s money, and broke into their home. I stood over the couple’s bed and said in my best devil voice “I am cunning, baffling and powerful! Be afraid! Always! For fear has everything to do with your but really my sobriety! You need me to stay in your life every single day for the rest of your life so I can remind you how bad it was and if you don’t remember, your built in forgetter will cause you to go out! I am your GOD! I gave you your life and if you don’t keep me around in the 'bu so I can chill with Selena Gomez you will die” then I gave it a good devil laugh! It was schweet! I hope they caught it on a nanny cam and put it on the Youtube! Bam!
Outta nowhere that ungrateful Coulter of a wife of his shot me in the frigging leg.
Now I’m in jail for a couple of months. It’s kinda awesome because it’s a lot like my AA back home. My free will is gone, my sense of self is totally demolished and I have a higher power called Travis that reminds me almost every night that only a power greater than myself will restore me to sanity! I pray for the poet. I pray hard. I pray that he screws up and ruins his life again so that he will finally know how much he really needs me! Halleluiah!!!! See you at a meeting real soon, family!
Joe Sober is a pseudonym for a comedian and AA member with seven months sobriety as of today.