Cocaine and Carré Otis

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You’ve been drug-free for nearly 15 years, but still drink socially.

My drug abuse was an extension of an underlying need to medicate all that had not been addressed. Until I had the tools, through a lot of work and discipline, I was in a place of abusing self. It’s been nearly 15 years since I last “abused” myself in any form. Today, I happily enjoy a drink or two. The ramifications of ever overdoing it are ingrained in me, habitually. It’s not an option and totally unappealing. And as a mother of two young girls, there is a practicality to every single thing I do and every choice I make. I am constantly weighing everything against my motherly duties first. In my mind, nothing can interfere with that.

What have been your tricks to staying drug-free for all these years? 

Constant support and constant dialogue. The second you live in secrets or suppress what’s going on is when things start to slip—at least for me. If I feel sad about something, I’m going to call a friend and talk it out. It keeps things clean. It’s really just about finding myself and being responsible.

Now that this memoir has been released, what’s next for you?

Definitely parenting my kids. I want to continue my public speaking and am also writing a book on sexual healing. The orgasm is a discussion few people have and it’s so woven into sexuality. There’s a fear of intimacy for people who were addicted, that feeling of, “I can’t have intimacy unless I get fucked up.” I maintained celibacy for five years and learned a lot from that. I’m also working with a nutritionist and want to do a nutrition diet/cookbook for the recovered. It’s really just looking at people’s questions and letting that shape what comes next.

McCarton Ackerman is a freelance writer currently residing in Portland, Oregon. His work has appeared in Time Out New York, The Huffington Post, abcnews.com and usopen.org, among others. This is his first piece for The Fix.