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Celebrity Rehab: The Next Generation

Season 5 debuted with "stars" like Amy Fisher and Michael Lohan. But isn't this Celebrity Rehab? So where are the celebs?  Concerned about Dr. Drew's slipping standards, TheFix compiled our own fantasy cast. And while we're not alleging that any of them suffers from addiction issues, we're sure could all use a little...love.

  • Estella Warren

    The former synchronized swimmer hasn't been in the spotlight since her much-touted turn in Planet of the Apes 10 years ago, but she’s made a splash of a different kind after drunkenly plowing into three cars in West Hollywood last month. To make matters worse, the Canadian beauty allegedly kicked and slapped her arresting officer—a diva move that probably won't help her in court. Did we mention that the smashed tried to flee the scene of the crime? Just days earlier, Warren  put her Bel Air house for sale for $1.4 millio. and threatened to flee Hollywood. She's also been complaining to everyone who listens that she’s really fed-up with her career. Bottom alert? Or just a bad month? Dr. Bob may have some sage advice.

    Role model: Model and actress Amber Smith (season two)

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  • Britney Spears

    While we don't think Britney Spears is actually on anything, the blogosphere might tell you otherwise. After a glazed-over performance on Good Morning America and a similarly lazy appearance an the Billboard Music Awards, people have been sniping that Spears is "sedated”—a charge that we made ourselves, though we had our own theories about it. Keep in mind the allegations by Britney's mother and bodyguard that her former handlers drugged her up to keep her under their control. Our guess? Brit's entire team would last about three seconds in the ring with Shelly.

    Role model: Former tabloid princess Rachel Uchitel (season four)

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  • Ramona Singer

    Is she an alcoholic or isn't she? A solid Real Housewives of New York City meme if ever there was one, Singer’s penchant for the vino has never been something she’s tried to hide. This is a woman, after all, who recently launched a self-titled brand of Pinot Grigio. She also has frequent and fussy demands that her favorite wine be ever-ready no matter the social event and will often arrive with her own bottle—or even a case—if none is expected. Plus, according to the Countess, Singer’s personality completely changes once she has some Pinot flowing through her veins. The jury's still out on whether Singer has a problem or simply just enjoys her wine but she definitely believes it's the latter. Still, we can all agree on the fact that “Crazy Eyes” could certainly spice up morning meditation.

    Role model: Fellow reality star Joey Kovar from The Real World (season three)

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  • Mischa Barton

    Once upon a time, Mischa Barton was being groomed to be Hollywood’s sweet waif next door. Yet ever since the heyday of The OC, her career has taken a tumble not unlike the one taken by the jeep her character, Marissa Cooper, died in. Dating the guy who coined Lindsay Lohan “Firecrotch” isn’t good for anyone’s career, or sobriety, and Barton has seen her fair share of personal challenges. In 2007, she wound up in the hospital after mixing alcohol and antibiotics. Six months later, she nabbed a DUI for driving erratically (the arresting officers also busted her for possession of marijuana; her lack of a driver's license didn't help matters). Then, a year-and-a-half later, she was corralled into mental care against her will after receiving treatment for a tooth infection. (She later claimed that her fear of needles led to an altercation with physicians, which allowed them to pull a 5150.) But perhaps her recent red-striped outfit (complete with specs that make Ramona Singer’s eyes seem comparatively normal) is the most notable sign of a serious problem.

    Role model: Fellow crazy actress Bai Ling (season five)

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  • Paz De La Huerta

    The Boardwalk Empire actress may be relatively new to the tabloid scene, but what she lacks in longevity she’s making up for in insanity. First she was denied entrance to the Chateau Marmont after showing up so drunk she could barely walk (luckily for her, the paparazzi were there to capture it all on video, including the inevitable nip slip). Then in March, she got wasted in New York's swanky Standard Hotel, ending up in a bar fight with The City reality star Samantha Swetra. Third-degree assault arrests anyone?

    Role model: Fellow hot mess Janice Dickinson (season four)

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  • Nicolas Cage

    He may have won an Oscar for his portrayal of an alcoholic in Leaving Las Vegas, but some of his recent activity has us wondering if the role might be hitting closer to home. In April, Cage was arrested in New Orleans after he and his wife engaged in a drunken screaming match in the street over which house was theirs. Charges have since been dropped, but the incident marks the latest in a series of public outbursts. Earlier this year, Cage  had to be escorted to his hotel in in New Orleans after a vicious bar fight, and prior to that, he was caught on tape getting into an altercation in Bucharest. To be fair, it's a stressful time for Cage: his recent movies have been duds, which isn't helping him dig out of the enormous $14 milllion debt he accrued in 2010 after failing to pay taxes for five years.

    Role model: Once-great actor Eric Roberts (season four)

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  • Kim Richards

    For an entire season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, there was never any indication that former Disney it-girl Kim Richards might have a drinking problem. Sure, she was erratic, and sure, she seemed a bit soused on her date with Martin, but it wasn't until the very end of the season finale that we learned perhaps something was afoot. Younger sister Kyle Richards accused Kim of being a drunk, a caustic charge that left her rattled in the back of a limo. During the subsequent reunion episode, Andy Cohen asked Kim if she had a drinking problem, but she and Kyle both evaded the question. Kim supposedly went to rehab but checked herself out after a week; since then, she's kept a low profile, with rumors circulating that she was to leave the series (as of press time, she's still with the cast). Maybe a session with Dr. Drew could exorcise those Disney demons.

    Role model: Former child star Mackenzie Phillips (season three)

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  • Charles Rogers

    There once was a time when former Detroit Lions receiver Charles Rogers looked like the future of the franchise, perhaps even the NFL. He was drafted second overall in 2003, and in his first five games as a rookie scored three touchdowns. Then he broke his collarbone, was sidelined for the season and, on his first game back the next year, broke his collarbone again. It was downhill from there. The football player turned to marijuana, which earned him a four game suspension in 2005. He was later let go from his team and despite some tryouts elsewhere, never played in the NFL again. Since then, Rogers has faced a variety of legal woes, including a DUI, a violation of probation on an assault conviction (testing positive for Vicodin), and an arrest for drunkenly passing out at a restaurant. In 2008, he was sentenced to sobriety court and in 2010 was ordered to pay back two-thirds of his nine million dollar signing bonus.

    Role model: Fellow intoxicated athlete Dennis Rodman (season three)

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  • Marion Barry

    If Rudy Giuliani is "America's Mayor," we can only imagine the nickname Marion Barry might warrant. The former mayor of Washington D.C. has become the poster child for drug-addled political scandals ever since he was busted for crack back in 1990. That was over 20-years ago, but the politician hasn't exactly had a spotless record since. Despite managing to land another office term, Barry still tested positive for marijuana and cocaine in 2005 and the following year was charged with drunk driving (the arresting officer smelt alcohol but a breathalyzer registered only a .02 blood-alcohol limit, leading to Barry's later acquittal). Since then, Marion Barry has kept a low profile (if you don’t count getting arrested for stalking) but his impact remains (current scandal-ridden D.C. mayor Vincent Gray has pundits concerned that the city is returning to the "Marion Barry Era").

    Role model: Fellow political lightning rod Rodney King (season two).

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  • Audrina's Mom (Lynn Patridge)

    Audrina Patridge had long been the quiet, blank-eyed, generally vacant but pretty second-banana to Lauren Conrad on The Hills, but when she made the leap to Dancing with the Stars last year, the world met her mother Lynn. The rest is Internet history. Lynn held a very public, very drunk press conference of sorts with the paparazzi after her daughter was eliminated from the show, and the footage of the incident became an instant viral hit. She had to later issue an apology for her behavior, but that hasn't stopped her from losing her cool elsewhere. On Audrina's new reality show, simply titled Audrina, Lynn can be seen flipping out on a regular basis, which has us wondering if she's ever truly sobered up since the night that launched her into public consciousness. When it comes to lively drunks, it's hard to beat Lynn...and that's probably not a great thing.

    Role model: Fellow mother of famous person Frankie Lons [Keyshia Cole’s mom] (season four)

    Ben Mandelker is a Los Angeles-based writer, the editor of the pop culture website bsideblog.com and the founder of the television blog TVgasm.com.

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By Ben Mandelker 06/16/11

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